Tag: TV

• Bachie Recaps Episodes Thirteen and Fourteen: We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

  September 19, 2019 6:46 pm Comments Off on Bachie Recaps Episodes Thirteen and Fourteen: We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

   
  Time flies when you’re lapping up drama. Hometown week is already on our doorstep, and it seems like this season of The Bachelor has flown by at a breakneck pace.
  We started this week’s episode with Osher congratulating our fabulous final five, but we’re already on shaky footing as Elly has decided to take up the mantle as resident Abbie-basher. Apparently learning no lessons from the brutal eviction of Sogand, she is poised and ready to play at the next group date… but wait! Shock! The nation’s favourite sexologist, Nikki Goldstein, appears. She gives possibly the best news Abbie could have hoped for: that the theme of the group date will be ‘sexual chemistry’. Step back Elly, we’re in Abbie’s wheelhouse now.
  So each of the girls are forced to demean themselves, not only emotionally but also physically, as they are challenged to…um…press themselves against a blindfolded Matt while the other girls watch. Yikes! Abbie squirms as she watches other girls put their arms around ‘her man’ until it is finally her moment to pounce, and she marks her territory with a totally-non-sexual scratch down his back. Still, the lovely and bubbly Elly is crowned ‘best hugger’, a prize of which I’m sure her mother will be eternally proud.
  The second part of the competition is something straight out of a nightmare. The challenge is to maintain eye contact with Matt for four whole minutes. If that doesn’t make you break into a cold sweat, I just don’t know what will! As someone who gets uncomfortable after maybe five seconds of silent eye contact, this sounds more like a weird form of social anxiety torture than anything else. Even Abbie’s best sensual lip bite isn’t enough to tear the victory away from Elly, and everyone’s favourite country gal is granted the solo time with Matt.
  Just when it looks like Elly is back to her lovely self and winning over her prize, her worst instincts kick in. Suddenly we are back to the Sogand drama of a few weeks prior. Matt receives her SECOND warning about Abbie, which is no better than the first. At this stage Matt has heard so much against Abbie that it’s starting to sound like a broken record. Will the boy ever learn?
  Apparently not, because it’s Abbie who snags the next single date, and boy oh boy is she done playing. After a very weird date where they have to pretend to move house, Abbie finally pins Matt down on the bed with a self-confessed dry hump. Oh my poor, abused eyes! Only after the lap dance does Matt actually think to ask Abbie the truth of her intentions, and Abbie is SHOOK.  “I am completely here for the right reasons,” she assures him, probably planning her next bikini shot on Instagram.
  There’s a lot of resentment flying around at the cocktail party, as each girl is absolutely done with the other’s shit. Then suddenly it’s rose ceremony time, and in a twist that the entire world saw coming, poor Elly is booted off the show. As Elly leaves the mansion in tears, the camera pans to Abbie offering a smug smile accompanied by a coy, “I feel better”. Jesus, who is this girl, a bond villain?
  Then, it’s the next episode, and all hope for Abbie’s comeuppance is rapidly flying out the window. It’s Helena who takes centre stage for the hometown drama. In fact, her double dumping of Matt over the course of a single episode may border on iconic. But I’m getting ahead of myself, as the episode starts with a visit to Abbie’s hometown in sunny Brisbane, where Matt embarrasses himself with the most hideous shirt I have ever had the horror to behold. Here we find out that Abbie’s lies reach further than we thought, with Abbie’s mother apparently believing her daughter to be primed and ready to start popping out little mini Abbies. In light of Abbie’s previous hesitation about kids and marriage, it looks like someone’s communication skills need polishing. Next up is Chelsie’s Melbourne family, where her folks are about as smart and perfect as you can imagine. Her sister’s protective interrogation of Matt makes her actual sibling goals.
  Our next flight, this time to Sydney, brings us a closer view of a more problematic situation, namely Emma and her obsession with Matt. Even her friend gives her an incredulous look when Emma claims she has ‘fallen in love’ with Matt. Not one to quit while she’s ahead, Emma delivers the same information to Matt, who looks as though every muscle in his body is telling him to run. “I’m not really on the same page,” he tells the audience casually as buckets of sweat pour from his brow. Luckily he manages to deal expertly with the situation by just not saying anything to her.
  Next up is the Perth-based Helena, whose family is as tall and European as her. Everything is going just fine until Matt can’t remember if Helena spoke French to him during their introduction, and suddenly shit hits the fan. There’s storming out and people speaking French, and finally Helena officially dumps Matt with the always effective, ‘I don’t want to waste your time’. But Matt’s stammered apologies get through to her, and she’s okay to stay in the competition.
  But not so fast! Two minutes pass and Helena has changed her mind again. There’s a sudden cut to a cul-de-sac where Helena explains to a very confused Matt that she is definitely, 100 per cent, non-negotiably breaking up with him. That lasts about one minute before Matt talks her around again. Doesn’t she seem fun and low-maintenance?
  But wait! There’s more! At the rose ceremony it looks like Helena won’t bother to show, but at the last minute she appears out of nowhere like a drama-loving Cinderella. Obviously this girl is a giant red flag, but there’s a bigger red flag to get rid of first. Matt chooses to evict Emma, who leaves with the dignity of someone getting kicked out of Mooseheads on a Thursday night. Watch out Matt – she knows where you live.
  Now it’s just the final three, and with Australia on tenterhooks it’s time to wonder just who (Chelsie) the winner (Chelsie) could be (Chelsie)?

  Alexandra Elgue

• Bachie Recaps: Episodes One and Two

  August 6, 2019 12:48 pm Comments Off on Bachie Recaps: Episodes One and Two

  Somewhere out there, the contestants of last year’s Bachie are fuming…
  It’s been a year since the Honey Badger awkwardly exited our screens without choosing a final girl (the scandal!), and Australia’s been itching for a new contender who hasn’t made it his mission to spread obscure Aussie slang. Enter this year’s eligible offering, Matt, who makes the contenders froth over him like rabid dogs. He’s a generically attractive, generally quite likeable bloke who seems unremarkably nice. Except this time it’s different, guys. He is, as the tortured puns will never cease to remind you, an astrophysicist. Cue the sound of the audience drooling.
  But let’s be honest with ourselves. No one watching The Bachelor is there for the guy. He’s just the bait for the real reason we’re here: the girls. As the limo pulled up to the ridiculously over-the-top set (seriously, how much do they spend on candles and flowers?), we were welcomed by a host of contenders ready to claim their man. 
  In case, for some absurd reason, you had something better to do on Wednesday night, here’s a low-down on the girls to watch out for:
  Elly: If the wifey music isn’t enough to clue you in, the one-on-one date by the fireside she managed to sneak into her intro guarantees her a spot in the final.
  Sogand: Technically now Matt’s fiancée, this Persian princess seems lovely. Let’s watch her turn crazy through the magic of editing.
  Chelsie: She’s a scientist (cue the ‘they have chemistry’ jokes) and she got him to flash his chest under the pretext of a temporary tattoo. She is the nation’s hero.
  Nichole: She’s ready to be the villain. I mean, girl turned up on a motorcycle with the pounding music warning us of the drama to come.
  Rachael: “Some girls will do anything for camera time” she pouts in the wedding dress she purchased for her intro. Ah well, she doesn’t think Matt is that hot anyway.
  Kristen: The producers clearly got the memo that more diversity is needed, and this China-obsessed white girl is ticking the box. At least, if the “oriental” music that plays in her presence is any indication.
  Emma: Maybe it’s the editing, but this girl has serious stalker vibes. And given the amount of jealousy she’s showing on episode one, I’m worried that no one has explained the concept of The Bachelor to her.
  Vakoo: An icon. A dream. This 23-year-old model has the confidence that I hope to someday cultivate in my late 80s.
  Abbie: A Gemini.
  And a bunch of other girls who are…um…lovely? I guess? I don’t know, they skipped through them pretty quickly.
  After a pretty vicious cocktail party where the girls seemed half-ready to claw any contenders away from ‘their man’, Elly walked away with the golden ticket to Matt’s hometown and the rose ceremony got rid of two girls who collectively got about one second of screen time. Through some production magic, Rachael managed to secure herself a rose despite clearly being in it only for the ‘Insta’.
  The second episode brought us a one-on-one date with the lovely Sogand and it was Bachelor bingo. Helicopter? Check. Impromptu al fresco orchestra? Check. Pash and a rose? Check, check. And wasn’t Sogand proud to bring the news back to the mansion and shatter Emma’s heart in the process?
  But a whopping two episodes in, Channel 10 clearly decided that it was time to up the ante, as a very awkward-looking archery group date (in which Chelsie snagged a sneaky rose) was just a chance to sneak in eight new girls for some added drama. They arrived “like a bad bunch of shit-cake”, in Rachael’s words, bringing a new girls versus originals battle that no one asked for. Notable amongst the newcomers are Nikki (cheerleader), Danush (another Persian – ooh the drama!) and Monique (labelled Nichole’s doppelganger because she’s…um…blonde? She boxes?).
  The second cocktail party in two days brought us a devastating lack of Vakoo, whose apparent conjunctivitis led some viewers to think that this season would turn into CSI: Bachelor. After a cutthroat night of women clawing each other aside over Matt, all of our favourites remain in the final 17. 
  And now we all go back to the mundane, dreary existences that we led in the pre-Bachelor epoch until Wednesday rolls around once more.

  Alexandra Elgue

• Families in the Media

  July 26, 2019 12:16 pm Comments Off on Families in the Media

   
  Family relationships saturate the media. From the Kardashians, to Thor and Loki, to the family-centered TV show Schitt’s Creek, families have taken over popular imagination. This is because such relationships are a key part of all of our lives. The effect and significance of family relationships vary dramatically from person to person, but ultimately we all know what it is to have a family, and we all understand the trials and tribulations that come with it.
  Growing up with people is difficult. History is hard. My sister has seen me through my worst teenage years, and I’ve seen her through hers. We’ve done things to each other that we don’t like to speak about: we’ve been our worst selves and made more than our fair share of mistakes. These mistakes often hurt, and there are scars that may never heal, topics that might always be taboo. Despite this, my sister is one of the few people who really know me.
  I, along with a lot of other people, can be hard to get to know. In no way does this make me special. But, the history and the intimacy that my sister and I share bypass this barrier. It’s impossible to put up walls when she’s been there through thick and thin, and at my core, I love my sister more than anything.
  What I’m trying to say is that family relationships are, to a certain extent, inescapable. I will advocate forever for the ability of all of us to choose our own families. I will never be the person who assumes that sharing blood is what brings people together. But I will say that it’s nice to have someone who knows you. And, purely because of timing, it’s family (whether chosen or genetic) who really, truly knows who you are.
  Family relationships are universal. They are fraught with tension, they are multi-faceted and nuanced, but they are simultaneously eternally relatable. We all have families, and deciding to have someone in your life for a long time inherently involves drama.
  This universality is what prompts the saturation of families in the media. Harry Potter is basically adopted by the Weasleys, Moira fights with Alexis and David on Schitt’s Creek, Thor and Loki are consistently entertaining and unpredictable.
  Beneath all of these relationships is one core idea: family is making someone a permanent fixture in your life. It’s about allowing them to know you, and it’s about being there even when it’s hard, even when it doesn’t suit, even when people aren’t necessarily their best selves. This kind of long-term relationship necessarily involves drama, and will always be applicable and relatable to the masses. It’s why their depictions are so popular in the media, and all we can hope for from them are nuanced, multi-dimensional, and diverse representations of family in the media. 
  Really, all anyone ever wants is to see things that they’ve gone through reflected on screen. The best characters are those we can relate to, not because of magic hammers, but because of who they are. And families are an important part of that. We are forged in the fire of family: I sure as hell don’t know who I’d be without mine.

  Sophie Johnson

• Join Our Team In Semester Two

  June 20, 2018 7:46 pm Comments Off on Join Our Team In Semester Two

  Woroni is looking for some fresh minds to help integrate the Print, Radio and Television platforms in Semester two 2018!
  Woroni exists so students can cut their teeth in creativity, media, and journalistic expression. We produce content that is interesting, informative, accurate and relevant, and we provide students with opportunities to develop multimedia skills in journalism, design, writing, television, and radio.
  If this sounds appealing to you, then keep reading!
  We will be recruiting throughout the winter break. There are lots of opportunities to get involved, including some new positions. You don’t need to have prior experience – just be a team player and be willing to get involved and learn new skills.
  We’ve compiled a list of all available positions below. Call it a “Woroni 101 Guide”, if you will. We’ll be listing every position, big or small, as they become available. Positions will be listed under the name of the relevant editor whom they will be responsible to. Please have a read through and see if anything takes your fancy. And don’t hold back, you can apply for more than one position!
  ************************************************
   

  Editor-in-Chief
  Mia Jessurun
  The Editor-in-Chief is the spokesperson for ANUSM and responsible for overseeing and assisting the other Editors, as well as ensuring that the objects of the Association are upheld. The EIC is also responsible for organising events and workshops, managing employees, chairing meetings, dealing with conflicts and complaints, and assisting wherever needed. If you have any questions about anything Woroni-related, then flick Mia an email at mia@woroni.com.au.
   
  AVAILABLE POSITIONS
  Distributor
  The distributor is responsible for picking up the newspaper from the printer fortnightly, distributing it to Woroni stands across campus and keeping these stands topped up throughout the print cycle. They must have a car and an ABN, and will be paid for their time.
  For more information about the role, click here.
  Applications will close on Friday 20 July at 11.59pm.

  Deputy Editor-in-Chief
  Benjamin Lawrence
  The Deputy Editor-in-Chief is responsible for creating and maintaining minutes, policy, procedure and records, as well as interpreting the Constitution. The Deputy EIC works closely with the Social Media, Instagram and Events Sub-Editors, managing Woroni’s online presence and administrative organisation. If you have any questions, you can contact Ben at ben@woroni.com.au.
   
  Photography Sub-Editors
  The purpose of Photography at ANUSM is to capture moments of student university life. In the past, Woroni Photographers have attended both formal and casual events, both on and off campus. For Semester two, photography sub-editors can expect to attend at least one ball. This year, photographers have also been involved in providing images to accompany News and Content stories, as well as publishing photo stories in the Woroni paper.
  Photography Sub Editors are expected to have some experience in photography. After Photography Sub-Editors take photos at events they are required to edit and upload albums to Facebook with the Woroni Watermark.
  Applications are open now and close on 13 July 2018. You can find more information and application details here.

  Managing Editor
  Jonathan Tjandra
  The Managing Editor is responsible for creating and maintaining the books and financial records of the Association and managing ANUSM’s business relationships, as well as preparing, managing and regularly reporting on the budget. You can reach Jonathan at jonathan@woroni.com.au or finance@woroni.com.au.
  Management Sub-Editors
  The team of management Sub-Editors are the energetic and driven individuals that assist with the day to day functions of Woroni. They work to create partnerships with other businesses, organise advertising across the ANU Student Media’s platforms, undertake market research and strategic planning, maintain social media platforms and manage the ANUSM website.
  Applications are now open for a new Social Media Sub-Editor, Instagram Sub-Editor and Events Management Sub-Editor to join the rest of the team. You can find more information, full role descriptions and application details by clicking this link.
  Applications are open now and close on 13 July 2018.

  Art Editor
  Sophie Bear
  The Art Editor is responsible for the design and layout of, and the curation of art for the fortnightly newspaper, as well as the graphics and branding that Woroni uses in its online and on-campus presence. They manage and work closely with a team of art sub-editors. Sophie can answer any questions about contributing art for the newspaper or getting involved; you can contact her at sophie@woroni.com.au or the entire Art Team at art@woroni.com.au.
  Art Sub-Editors
  Art Sub-Editors are responsible for laying out a quota of pages for each print edition. In example, they will be given additional responsibilities, including creating social media graphics, designing branding for Woroni Radio and TV, producing art for the newspaper or assisting the Art Editor in managing the logistics of the Art portfolio.
  Applications are now open for Design Sub-Editor, Graphics Sub-Editor, Art Admin Sub-Editor, Senior Graphics Sub-Editor and Senior Design Sub-Editor. For more information about each of the roles, click here.
   

  Television Editor
  William He
  The TV Editor is primarily responsible for continuing the growth of Woroni TV. The purpose of Woroni TV is to engage with the student body by providing a new and interactive platform to deliver campus news, interviews with interesting students and people in Canberra, as well as fun how-to and creative content. You can contact William at william@woroni.com.au or the whole Television Team at television@woroni.com.au.

  Content Editor
  Alisha Nagle
  The Content Editor is responsible for the Woroni print content in the newspaper and online, producing interesting, informative and diverse content that is relevant to the ANU community. In addition to this, the Content Editor manages the Content Team and all that entails. Alisha can answer any questions about the newspaper and how best to contribute; you can contact her at alisha@woroni.com.au or the entire Content Team at write@woroni.com.au.

  News Editor
  Noah Yim
  The News Editor is responsible for managing the Woroni News team. They lead and support the news reporters to investigate and report campus news for the Woroni newspaper, both in print and online. If you have any questions about Woroni‘s news reporting or have a news tip, you can contact Noah at noah@woroni.com.au or the entire News Team at news@woroni.com.au.

  Radio Editor
  Zoe Halstead
  The Radio Editor is responsible for managing the Woroni Radio Team and community, supervising the content that goes on air, and monitoring content quality and distribution. If you have any questions, you can email Zoe at zoehalstead@woroni.com.au or radio@woroni.com.au.

  Woroni Editor

• Bachie Recaps: Episode 14

  September 13, 2017 11:18 am Comments Off on Bachie Recaps: Episode 14

  This episode has been built up to be a bit of wild ride, so I’ve got a bottle of red wine to get me through it. We start with shots of Matty wearing a hoodie so that we know he’s really Down To Earth. He’s drinking a cup of English Breakfast tea, which is milky but not too milky. I approve. Matty stares off into the distance and thinks about all his Connections. Oshie comes up behind him in a dressing gown, yawning, and embraces him. It’s very intimate. I look away, blushing.
  HOME VISIT NUMBER ONE! We’re transported to the Sausage Queen’s domain: the Gold Coast. Matty and the Queen meet at Movie World, which they have all to themselves for the day. How convenient. The Queen screams the whole time, and Matty finds it very endearing. When we meet the Queen’s family, everyone is very excited to be reunited with their sovereign. We meet the Queen’s brother, Troy, who is very unhappy to be here. Troy looks like the kind of guy whose Tinder profile is just poorly angled close ups and selfies taken in his ute. Swipe right left. The Men of the family take Matty outside to cook some meat and have some bevs. Things get serious, and they all whip out their ‘family jewels’ to see whose is bigger. Troy says a lot of reasonable things about how dating multiple girls and stringing them along is really weird. Matty looks very confused by this. They resolve their differences over a beer and everything ends up fine. The rest of the evening is super boring and happy-family, etc. etc.
  HOME VISIT NUMBER TWO! We’re suddenly in Holland with Olena the Second. Wait, no, it’s some rundown windmill in Melbourne that Channel Ten looked at and thought ‘aw yeah, she’ll be right ay’. They start riding around on bikes, Matty falls off and gets looked at by the medical team. They diagnose him with a standard boo-boo on the knee and being delusional about reality TV. Matty is not impressed to find out that Olena the Second’s family isn’t travelling halfway around the world to meet a guy who might not even like their daughter. You’d think that the Greyhound buses he’s been catching to and from each hometown would tip him off as to how low budget this show really is. We go, instead, to Olena the Second’s good friend’s home. Olena ditches Matty as soon as she’s reunited with her friends, but, before she pisses off for a girl’s night, her scary mate Marly has a chat with our Bachie. From their chat, we gain insight into Matty’s two-year Contiki-induced London life and how it makes him Mr Worldwide. Matty says he’ll only get with Olena the Second if Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull holds a Plebiscite to make sure she stays in Australia with him forever and ever. Mal has unofficially expressed his enthusiasm for such an expensive and ridiculous motion.
  HOME VISIT NUMBER THREE! Now we’re in South Australia with Hockeyroo. They walk on the beach for a bit, everything is perfect and the whole evening goes incredibly smoothly. We get it, Hockeyroo, you’re Matty’s ideal woman. Uh oh, spanner in the works! Mama Hockeyroo doesn’t trust Matty with her mashed potatoes, and she certainly doesn’t trust him with her daughter! Matty triumphs by mashing those potatoes like he’s never mashed anything before (wink?) and Mama Hockeyroo is suddenly very impressed and approving. Look, my money is on Hockeyroo for the win, but honestly who knows with this show. For all we know, we could get Jen as an intruder next week, and Matty could choose her. Crazier things have happened (remember Andrew G, Australian Idol? Oh, Osher).
  HOME VISIT NUMBER FOUR! Time to go to Sydney with Georgia Love 2.0 (GL2.0). Let’s go to the beach each, let’s go get away. Matty is looking beach-ready, and… WAIT. Is that a three-legged dog? IT’S A THREE-LEGGED DOG! HIS NAME IS BUSTER! OK, fuck this show, I just want 16-hour-long episodes following the life of Buster, the three-legged dog. Alas, we’re stuck with what we’ve got. Matty is overwhelmed at meeting three generations of GL2.0’s family. He shouldn’t be worried, though, because Nan gives a raving one thumbs-up review of Matty, saying that ‘he’s alright’ and ‘ten out of ten’. The night goes really smoothly until the end when GL2.0 is entirely reasonable in demanding the same assurance from Matty that he is asking from her in terms of their ‘feelings’. This rational argument makes Matty upset, and he doesn’t seem too sure about GL2.0 anymore.
  HOME VISIT NUMBER FIVE? Don’t ask me how, but I got access to some untelevised footage of a fifth hometown visit. Who’s the lucky lady, do you ask? Well, you should be asking, who is the lucky man? Matty arrives at Osher’s Sydney loft just as the sun was setting. The front door was unlocked, and he let himself in. Matty could hear soft jazz playing upstairs, and made his way to the source. He found Osher leaning against the balcony rail, watching the sun set over the harbour. Matty smiled, grabbed himself a glass of French champagne, and joined OshOshMyGosh. ‘You took your time’, Osh said with a chuckle. ‘I’m sorry, I had to pick up a rose for you – do you accept it?’ said Matty. Oshie rolled his eyes and took the rose, holding it to his nose and breathing deep. ‘It smells so sweet’, OshTosh whispered. ‘Not as sweet as you, my darling,’ Matty said softly, moving a lock of Oshie’s hair out of his eyes. ‘Not as sweet as you.’ End Scene.
  COCK PARTY! Things are getting serious now. The girls are no longer sitting around and shooting the breeze with one another. Instead, they are all off on their own thinking about Feelings and their Future with Matty and their incredible Connections. Blah blah blah, super boring.
  ROSE CEREMONY! It is episode 14 and, yet, I’m still incredibly confused as to what a Rose Ceremony is. The girls are huddled together for safety in the centre of the room, looking around wildly. OshUltraPosh walks in and explains that the girls took Matty to meet their families this week. OH OK, so that’s what the whole episode was about! OshOshOsh announces that there are FOUR LADIES HERE but only THREE ROSES. With the help of an abacus, OsherMosher explains the math to the girls. With his deft fingers, Osh makes the beads of the abacus appear to dance before him. The girls are transfixed. We realise that this means that ONE LADY WILL LEAVE the mansion forever and we will never see her again. Everyone is shocked as if this hasn’t happened every night for thirteen episodes before this. Matty gives a rose to everyone except Olena the Second, and she doesn’t even get the privilege of a private chat outside.
  Matty excuses himself for an early night’s rest. The remaining three girls, who all look exactly the same, walk back to the mansion while admiring their roses. Osher, now the only one in the room, reaches into his pocket. He gently lifts out the rose Matty gave him earlier. ‘Oh, Matthew Johnson…’ he sighs, breathing in the scent of the rose. Osher turns slowly, and walks out into the cool night; the rose dangling at his side. #Mosher.
  Katie has been watching The Bachelor ever since she was old enough to know that it’s complete bullshit. Her favourite Bachelor love story is Osher and himself, and her least favourite was Cool Bananas and everyone. One day, when she grows another foot in height and meets the show’s physical requirements, she’ll be a contestant and win Osher’s heart.
  Click here for Bachie Recaps: Episode 13
  Click here for Bachie Recaps: Episode 12
  Click here for Bachie Recaps: Episode 11

  Katie Ward

• Bachie Recaps: Episode 13

  September 7, 2017 5:15 pm Comments Off on Bachie Recaps: Episode 13

  I’ve got a tub of hummus, and I’ve got a bag of corn chips. Episode 13, I am ready for you. It looks like we’re jumping straight into things? No scenes dedicated to OshiePoshie sneaking into the mansion uninvited and making date cards appear out of thin air? Channel Ten, I feel cheated.
  We’ve gone straight to the GROUP DATE. Despite it being episode fucking 13, OshKosh announces that everyone doesn’t know each other enough yet so he’s got some fun activities lined up for the girls! I, myself, love a good icebreaker, it’s why I always miss the first tutorial of each semester.
  Our first activity is the classic ‘Force Women to Rank Themselves Against Other Women’. Now this one is my personal favourite and kudos to the show runners for choosing an activity that actively encourages passive aggression and pettiness. First up we have ‘Who is the Funniest Girl?’. It’s obviously the Sausage Queen, everyone knows it. The Queen takes her rightful place at the top and strikes a power pose. I bow down to her. Next, we have most honest, most compassionate, most positive blah blah BLAH. Then comes the greatest one of all: who is the most down to earth? Ok, let me just say that this particular group of people provides VERY slim-pickings for ‘down to earth’. But you have to work with what you’ve got. Elora thinks the sun shines out of her butthole, so she puts herself at the top. The Queen shuts her down with quite possibly my favourite quote of the whole season: ‘burning sage and running around the house does not mean that you’re down to earth’. God that girl is a GIFT to this show.
  OshOsh runs a complicated algorithm on a supercomputer behind the scenes and reveals that the Sausage Queen and Georgia Love 2.0 (GL2.0) didn’t get through to the next round. The SECOND ROUND is all about deal breakers. The girls seem riveted. Finally, they get to know concrete attributes of Matty’s ideal woman. One by one, we learn Matty’s deal breakers. Number one: if you’re not Georgia Love, it’s not going to happen. Everyone looks distraught except GL2.0, who is asking someone off camera if that applies to her. Deal breaker number two: if you’re not on reality TV for the sole purpose to boost your social media presence, then Matty is just not interested. The girls light up – they’re back in the game! The rest of the deal breakers are boring and about honesty and trust etc. etc. who cares. Olena the Second and Cobie both don’t care enough about their Instagram following-to-followers ratio, so they’re out of the game.
  It’s just Hockeyroo and Elora now. They must write what makes up their ideal relationship. It turns out they were actually writing their vows and are now both getting married to Matty. The Bachelor has the opportunity to make a huge step in social justice by allowing a polyamorous union. Alas, Matty is turned off by Elora’s rhyming, and he chooses Hockeyroo to marry. The show ends, everyone goes home. See you all for the Bachelorette.
  Just kidding, the season can’t end just yet – we haven’t had a performance by a forgotten artist from the early 2000s! Hockeyroo and Matty go to a bar and listen to James Blunt sing. While Matty and Hockeyroo make out on the d-floor, James Blunt thinks back to the good old days of 2004 when he could sing his top hit ‘You’re Beautiful’ in literally anywhere but on a low-budget reality TV show and still get paid for it. James finishes his one song, Matty and Hockeyroo keep pashing, so James makes a run for it and disappears as quickly as he arrived. James Blunt for the Bachelor 2018? It’s a yes from me.
  We transition straight to the SINGLE DATE with Cobie. We see Matty skipping stones across a river. He’s talking about his feelings for Cobie and makes it very clear that he is about to Friendzone her. Poor Cobie, all she wants is to have uninhibited access to Matty’s Bach Pad so that she can collect hair from his shower and dirty underwear from his hamper. Cobie rocks up, and Matty decides to surprise her with something. He tells her to close her eyes, and she does so enthusiastically. Matty tiptoes away slowly, motioning for the crew to follow him. They leave Cobie standing next to the river and go to the local pub for a beer. They return three hours later to find Cobie giggling with her eyes still shut.
  Matty takes Cobie to a Giants Obstacle course, and I get vivid flashbacks to my Grade Five school camp. If Matty wanted to choose a date that screamed ‘I am not attracted to you in any way, and quite frankly you make me uncomfortable’, then he has really outdone himself. We get lots of shots of Matty saying things like ‘We’re really good friends’, juxtaposed with Cobie crying softly into a handwoven pillow made from Matty’s hair. We move onto the magic date couch, and you can see the exact moment when Cobie realises that Matty is friendzoning her. Matty sends Cobie home on the spot, she cries for a bit and then leaves. She’ll either set her shrine on fire and cleanse her mind and spirit of this awful experience, or make ten different macaroni portraits of Matty to sell on Etsy.
  We’re now at the COCK PARTY! The girls are talking about how much fun Cobie must be having, but I can’t see them through the thousands of cushions and candles in the mansion. OshieTamagotchi arrives unexpectedly. The girls start freaking out because This Normally Does Not Happen! They find out that they are never going to see Cobie again EVER because Matty didn’t think she was hot enough. Then OshOsh reveals that there will still be a rose ceremony and it’s in five minutes! Olena the Second starts chucking back glasses of champagne, the Sausage Queen snorts a sausage, GL2.0 starts pulling out chunks of her hair and Elora is rocking back-and-forth in the corner. Osher looks at the mayhem he’s caused, a smile spreads across his chiselled face. His work here is complete.
  ROSE CEREMONY. Everyone is SCARED. I am CONFUSED. Thankfully, Osher walks in with his laptop, sets up his projector and gets a PowerPoint presentation up. With an artful use of text animations, Osher tells us that there are FIVE LADIES LEFT and ONLY FOUR LADIES CAN GO TO HOMETOWN, which is why THERE ARE ONLY FOUR ROSES. The girls stare at him blankly. Elora’s weeping intensifies. Osher revises his PowerPoint, and with the power of Clipart, he reveals that ONLY FOUR ROSES means ONE LADY WILL GO HOME FOREVER. It’s all so clear now. The girls are relieved that they don’t have to do any math. Matty gives everyone a rose except Elora. Osher uses his PowerPoint to explain that she has to leave – mainly because Channel Ten can’t afford the international flights for her home-visit in Episode 14.  Elora bursts into flames and runs out of the mansion, leaving behind a trail of debris. Her screeching echoes in the night.
  Osher extinguishes the flames with a wave of his hand, takes Matty by the arm and vanishes into the darkness. The girls pack their bags, put on their walking shoes and start the long treks back to their respective hometowns.
   
  Katie has been watching The Bachelor ever since she was old enough to know that it’s complete bullshit. Her favourite Bachelor love story is Osher and himself, and her least favourite was Cool Bananas and everyone. One day, when she grows another foot in height and meets the show’s physical requirements, she’ll be a contestant and win Osher’s heart.
   
  Click here for Bachie Recap: Episode 12
  Click here for Bachie Recap: Episode 11

  Katie Ward

• Bachie Recaps: Episode 11

  September 4, 2017 5:39 pm Comments Off on Bachie Recaps: Episode 11

  Ah, Episode 11. Here we go. We open with shots of the Bachelor Mansion, with lots of drone shots to make sure we all know that Channel Ten will Never Really Die and that they still have money.
  We cut to the girls having a team huddle in the courtyard. Simone opens her mouth, complains about something and follows it by having a bit of a whinge. Blah blah blah, she never spends time with Matty, blah blah blah, surely today will be Her Chance to talk about Her Connection with Matty.
  Osher appears. And uhh HE LOOKS SO GOOD?! That hair, that beard. Honestly, I was very upset at the start of the season when he rocked up with his new fuckboi hairstyle (OshKosh baby you are TOO GOOD FOR THAT) but DAYUM Osh you have grown that bad boy OUT. A little bit of salt n pepper in that beard mmmm yes Osh. Anyway – OshOsh takes some time to explain the concept of a single date because let’s be real, everyone is still confused. Georgia Love 2.0 gets the single date, Simone opens her mouth and whines for a bit. Georgia Love 2.0 pretends to feel guilty.
  TO THE SINGLE DATE! Georgia Love 2.0 (I’m going to go with GL2.0 for short) calls the observatory the conservatorium. Matty doesn’t pick up on it, probably because he doesn’t know the difference either. Matty mentions how thinking about GL2.0 gets him ‘excited’. Wink wink wink. He then makes a very astute comment: ‘being in a mansion with all the other ladies, it can start to feel like a competition.’ OoOh, a ComPetiTioN?? YoU dON’T sAY. Honestly.
  Anyway, we’re at the observatory. Something about connections, opening up, being guarded etc. etc. etc. Matty has the brilliant idea of going to a psychic to get GL2.0 to open up and reveal her Deeper Feelings. The psychic is Very Accurate in her observations, and I am impressed. This is explained by a shot of Matty slipping the psychic a cheeky 10er under the table.
  We transition to night time, and our lovebirds are up in the Telescope Dome. Matty has a ‘special surprise’ for GL2.0. OH I’M SURE YOU DO MATTY, I’M SURE YOU DO. Instead of taking off his pants, it turns out Matty got them a star to name, and oh boy are they struggling. Look, call it Starry McStarface and call it a night. They name the star after their couple name. They have condemned the star to 10 billion years of being bullied by all the other stars.
  We have a quick interlude to show what’s going on back at the house. Simone is still whining. We go back to the single date.
  The observatory is transformed into a romantic getaway with the simple addition of a couch, 30 pillows, 60 candles and a lot of alcohol. Who knew that a Romantic Atmosphere was so achievable. Blah blah blah GL2.0 talks about being guarded and how amazing ‘this’ is and how amazing Matty is and how she Really Likes him blah blah blah. Somehow this turns Matty on, and they pash for a bit. They keep pashing. They must’ve been really short of content this episode. Finally, they break apart, and Matty pulls a rose out of his butt and gives it to GL2.0. They pash some more.
  Ok, quick transition into the Group Date. I’m captivated yet again by Cute Boy Osher looking adorable. I just really hope they pay him well, I really do. Suddenly everyone’s eating donuts, Simone’s eating grass and then she’s talking about her hole being blocked. Everything happened so fast, and I don’t know how we got here. But then – out of the darkness comes the purest thing I have ever heard. OshKoshMyGosh laughs. It is so genuine, so real, and so beautiful. His joy brings me joy. I forget everything at that moment. I am in awe of his happiness. I am bamboozled.
  I snap out of it when I hear the words ‘in a game of shameless exploitation’. Ah yes, back to it. I got distracted there. And Oh My Lord they are pinning the heart on the most attractive of Matty’s features. Someone has to chuck a heart on his spicy area. Go the dick, go the dick, go the dick. In an act of brilliance, Simone goes for it. Cobie almost dies on the spot. What’s-her-name Olena the Second calls it his ‘little manhood’. Simone talks explicitly about tight jeans. I am enjoying myself. Osher is NOT impressed by this behaviour. I feel like I’ve let Osher down by finding this funny. Osher reaches for ‘Matty Johnson’s Johnson’, I am breathless. I ship it. Did Osher’s hand just linger on Matty’s groin? I swear it did and you can’t tell me otherwise #Mosher.
  Alright, so we keep going and they talk about special things from childhoods. We find out Olena the Second used to cut limbs off her stuffed toy. Simone’s mum pulls the best prank ever by sending her something completely insignificant. Hockeyroo once again proves she is amazing at playing the game by being Matty’s ideal woman. We find out Elora was the horse girl at school. We see shots of Lisa, and I remember that she exists. Poor Lisa, this girl is just too smart to get amongst this goddamn awful show. Hockeyroo wins extra time with Matty. They talk about how great family is, they have a pash.
  COCKtail TIME! The girls try to be diplomatic about spending alone time with Matty. They don’t achieve anything. Tara, aka Sausage Queen, continues to prove herself as my favourite by calling the Secret Garden the SEEEKKYYY G. God I love her. More shots of Simone complaining. Shots of Lisa looking confused and uncomfortable. Lisa is all of us if we ever went on this show.
  ROSE CEREMONY! What the fuck is happening, I am so confused? Why is everyone standing around? Why does GL2.0 have a rose? Oh, thank god, here’s OshiePie. He’ll explain everything! Osh explains that we’re at a Rose Ceremony and that a ROSE=SAFE and NO ROSE=NOT SAFE. We only have SIX ROSES, Osher gets out a blackboard and starts writing equations. Osher tells us that ONE LADY will GO HOME and everyone’s relieved that he did the math for them. Matty enters, he calls Cobie??? first???? Everyone gets a rose except Simone, and Osh reiterates that NO ROSE=NOT SAFE, so that means Simone is GONE. Matty tells her that she’ll find someone, but for the love of god, it will not be him. Osher is given cash in hand for his hard work. He goes home and bathes his hair in coconut oil for 12 hours. The girls go back to the mansion where Cobie adds a lock of Matty’s hair to her shrine. Lisa rocks herself to sleep, Elora arranges her horse figurines, and GL2.0 practices smiling in the mirror.
   
  Katie has been watching The Bachelor ever since she was old enough to know that it’s complete bullshit. Her favourite Bachelor love story is Osher and himself, and her least favourite was Cool Bananas and everyone. One day, when she grows another foot in height and meets the show’s physical requirements, she’ll be a contestant and win Osher’s heart.

  Katie Ward