A rose

Bachie Recaps Episodes Thirteen and Fourteen: We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

 

Time flies when you’re lapping up drama. Hometown week is already on our doorstep, and it seems like this season of The Bachelor has flown by at a breakneck pace.

We started this week’s episode with Osher congratulating our fabulous final five, but we’re already on shaky footing as Elly has decided to take up the mantle as resident Abbie-basher. Apparently learning no lessons from the brutal eviction of Sogand, she is poised and ready to play at the next group date… but wait! Shock! The nation’s favourite sexologist, Nikki Goldstein, appears. She gives possibly the best news Abbie could have hoped for: that the theme of the group date will be ‘sexual chemistry’. Step back Elly, we’re in Abbie’s wheelhouse now.

So each of the girls are forced to demean themselves, not only emotionally but also physically, as they are challenged to…um…press themselves against a blindfolded Matt while the other girls watch. Yikes! Abbie squirms as she watches other girls put their arms around ‘her man’ until it is finally her moment to pounce, and she marks her territory with a totally-non-sexual scratch down his back. Still, the lovely and bubbly Elly is crowned ‘best hugger’, a prize of which I’m sure her mother will be eternally proud.

The second part of the competition is something straight out of a nightmare. The challenge is to maintain eye contact with Matt for four whole minutes. If that doesn’t make you break into a cold sweat, I just don’t know what will! As someone who gets uncomfortable after maybe five seconds of silent eye contact, this sounds more like a weird form of social anxiety torture than anything else. Even Abbie’s best sensual lip bite isn’t enough to tear the victory away from Elly, and everyone’s favourite country gal is granted the solo time with Matt.

Just when it looks like Elly is back to her lovely self and winning over her prize, her worst instincts kick in. Suddenly we are back to the Sogand drama of a few weeks prior. Matt receives her SECOND warning about Abbie, which is no better than the first. At this stage Matt has heard so much against Abbie that it’s starting to sound like a broken record. Will the boy ever learn?

Apparently not, because it’s Abbie who snags the next single date, and boy oh boy is she done playing. After a very weird date where they have to pretend to move house, Abbie finally pins Matt down on the bed with a self-confessed dry hump. Oh my poor, abused eyes! Only after the lap dance does Matt actually think to ask Abbie the truth of her intentions, and Abbie is SHOOK.  “I am completely here for the right reasons,” she assures him, probably planning her next bikini shot on Instagram.

There’s a lot of resentment flying around at the cocktail party, as each girl is absolutely done with the other’s shit. Then suddenly it’s rose ceremony time, and in a twist that the entire world saw coming, poor Elly is booted off the show. As Elly leaves the mansion in tears, the camera pans to Abbie offering a smug smile accompanied by a coy, “I feel better”. Jesus, who is this girl, a bond villain?

Then, it’s the next episode, and all hope for Abbie’s comeuppance is rapidly flying out the window. It’s Helena who takes centre stage for the hometown drama. In fact, her double dumping of Matt over the course of a single episode may border on iconic. But I’m getting ahead of myself, as the episode starts with a visit to Abbie’s hometown in sunny Brisbane, where Matt embarrasses himself with the most hideous shirt I have ever had the horror to behold. Here we find out that Abbie’s lies reach further than we thought, with Abbie’s mother apparently believing her daughter to be primed and ready to start popping out little mini Abbies. In light of Abbie’s previous hesitation about kids and marriage, it looks like someone’s communication skills need polishing. Next up is Chelsie’s Melbourne family, where her folks are about as smart and perfect as you can imagine. Her sister’s protective interrogation of Matt makes her actual sibling goals.

Our next flight, this time to Sydney, brings us a closer view of a more problematic situation, namely Emma and her obsession with Matt. Even her friend gives her an incredulous look when Emma claims she has ‘fallen in love’ with Matt. Not one to quit while she’s ahead, Emma delivers the same information to Matt, who looks as though every muscle in his body is telling him to run. “I’m not really on the same page,” he tells the audience casually as buckets of sweat pour from his brow. Luckily he manages to deal expertly with the situation by just not saying anything to her.

Next up is the Perth-based Helena, whose family is as tall and European as her. Everything is going just fine until Matt can’t remember if Helena spoke French to him during their introduction, and suddenly shit hits the fan. There’s storming out and people speaking French, and finally Helena officially dumps Matt with the always effective, ‘I don’t want to waste your time’. But Matt’s stammered apologies get through to her, and she’s okay to stay in the competition.

But not so fast! Two minutes pass and Helena has changed her mind again. There’s a sudden cut to a cul-de-sac where Helena explains to a very confused Matt that she is definitely, 100 per cent, non-negotiably breaking up with him. That lasts about one minute before Matt talks her around again. Doesn’t she seem fun and low-maintenance?

But wait! There’s more! At the rose ceremony it looks like Helena won’t bother to show, but at the last minute she appears out of nowhere like a drama-loving Cinderella. Obviously this girl is a giant red flag, but there’s a bigger red flag to get rid of first. Matt chooses to evict Emma, who leaves with the dignity of someone getting kicked out of Mooseheads on a Thursday night. Watch out Matt – she knows where you live.

Now it’s just the final three, and with Australia on tenterhooks it’s time to wonder just who (Chelsie) the winner (Chelsie) could be (Chelsie)?