Somewhere out there, the contestants of last year’s Bachie are fuming…
It’s been a year since the Honey Badger awkwardly exited our screens without choosing a final girl (the scandal!), and Australia’s been itching for a new contender who hasn’t made it his mission to spread obscure Aussie slang. Enter this year’s eligible offering, Matt, who makes the contenders froth over him like rabid dogs. He’s a generically attractive, generally quite likeable bloke who seems unremarkably nice. Except this time it’s different, guys. He is, as the tortured puns will never cease to remind you, an astrophysicist. Cue the sound of the audience drooling.
But let’s be honest with ourselves. No one watching The Bachelor is there for the guy. He’s just the bait for the real reason we’re here: the girls. As the limo pulled up to the ridiculously over-the-top set (seriously, how much do they spend on candles and flowers?), we were welcomed by a host of contenders ready to claim their man.
In case, for some absurd reason, you had something better to do on Wednesday night, here’s a low-down on the girls to watch out for:
Elly: If the wifey music isn’t enough to clue you in, the one-on-one date by the fireside she managed to sneak into her intro guarantees her a spot in the final.
Sogand: Technically now Matt’s fiancée, this Persian princess seems lovely. Let’s watch her turn crazy through the magic of editing.
Chelsie: She’s a scientist (cue the ‘they have chemistry’ jokes) and she got him to flash his chest under the pretext of a temporary tattoo. She is the nation’s hero.
Nichole: She’s ready to be the villain. I mean, girl turned up on a motorcycle with the pounding music warning us of the drama to come.
Rachael: “Some girls will do anything for camera time” she pouts in the wedding dress she purchased for her intro. Ah well, she doesn’t think Matt is that hot anyway.
Kristen: The producers clearly got the memo that more diversity is needed, and this China-obsessed white girl is ticking the box. At least, if the “oriental” music that plays in her presence is any indication.
Emma: Maybe it’s the editing, but this girl has serious stalker vibes. And given the amount of jealousy she’s showing on episode one, I’m worried that no one has explained the concept of The Bachelor to her.
Vakoo: An icon. A dream. This 23-year-old model has the confidence that I hope to someday cultivate in my late 80s.
Abbie: A Gemini.
And a bunch of other girls who are…um…lovely? I guess? I don’t know, they skipped through them pretty quickly.
After a pretty vicious cocktail party where the girls seemed half-ready to claw any contenders away from ‘their man’, Elly walked away with the golden ticket to Matt’s hometown and the rose ceremony got rid of two girls who collectively got about one second of screen time. Through some production magic, Rachael managed to secure herself a rose despite clearly being in it only for the ‘Insta’.
The second episode brought us a one-on-one date with the lovely Sogand and it was Bachelor bingo. Helicopter? Check. Impromptu al fresco orchestra? Check. Pash and a rose? Check, check. And wasn’t Sogand proud to bring the news back to the mansion and shatter Emma’s heart in the process?
But a whopping two episodes in, Channel 10 clearly decided that it was time to up the ante, as a very awkward-looking archery group date (in which Chelsie snagged a sneaky rose) was just a chance to sneak in eight new girls for some added drama. They arrived “like a bad bunch of shit-cake”, in Rachael’s words, bringing a new girls versus originals battle that no one asked for. Notable amongst the newcomers are Nikki (cheerleader), Danush (another Persian – ooh the drama!) and Monique (labelled Nichole’s doppelganger because she’s…um…blonde? She boxes?).
The second cocktail party in two days brought us a devastating lack of Vakoo, whose apparent conjunctivitis led some viewers to think that this season would turn into CSI: Bachelor. After a cutthroat night of women clawing each other aside over Matt, all of our favourites remain in the final 17.
And now we all go back to the mundane, dreary existences that we led in the pre-Bachelor epoch until Wednesday rolls around once more.