This episode has been built up to be a bit of wild ride, so I’ve got a bottle of red wine to get me through it. We start with shots of Matty wearing a hoodie so that we know he’s really Down To Earth. He’s drinking a cup of English Breakfast tea, which is milky but not too milky. I approve. Matty stares off into the distance and thinks about all his Connections. Oshie comes up behind him in a dressing gown, yawning, and embraces him. It’s very intimate. I look away, blushing.
HOME VISIT NUMBER ONE! We’re transported to the Sausage Queen’s domain: the Gold Coast. Matty and the Queen meet at Movie World, which they have all to themselves for the day. How convenient. The Queen screams the whole time, and Matty finds it very endearing. When we meet the Queen’s family, everyone is very excited to be reunited with their sovereign. We meet the Queen’s brother, Troy, who is very unhappy to be here. Troy looks like the kind of guy whose Tinder profile is just poorly angled close ups and selfies taken in his ute. Swipe right left. The Men of the family take Matty outside to cook some meat and have some bevs. Things get serious, and they all whip out their ‘family jewels’ to see whose is bigger. Troy says a lot of reasonable things about how dating multiple girls and stringing them along is really weird. Matty looks very confused by this. They resolve their differences over a beer and everything ends up fine. The rest of the evening is super boring and happy-family, etc. etc.
HOME VISIT NUMBER TWO! We’re suddenly in Holland with Olena the Second. Wait, no, it’s some rundown windmill in Melbourne that Channel Ten looked at and thought ‘aw yeah, she’ll be right ay’. They start riding around on bikes, Matty falls off and gets looked at by the medical team. They diagnose him with a standard boo-boo on the knee and being delusional about reality TV. Matty is not impressed to find out that Olena the Second’s family isn’t travelling halfway around the world to meet a guy who might not even like their daughter. You’d think that the Greyhound buses he’s been catching to and from each hometown would tip him off as to how low budget this show really is. We go, instead, to Olena the Second’s good friend’s home. Olena ditches Matty as soon as she’s reunited with her friends, but, before she pisses off for a girl’s night, her scary mate Marly has a chat with our Bachie. From their chat, we gain insight into Matty’s two-year Contiki-induced London life and how it makes him Mr Worldwide. Matty says he’ll only get with Olena the Second if Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull holds a Plebiscite to make sure she stays in Australia with him forever and ever. Mal has unofficially expressed his enthusiasm for such an expensive and ridiculous motion.
HOME VISIT NUMBER THREE! Now we’re in South Australia with Hockeyroo. They walk on the beach for a bit, everything is perfect and the whole evening goes incredibly smoothly. We get it, Hockeyroo, you’re Matty’s ideal woman. Uh oh, spanner in the works! Mama Hockeyroo doesn’t trust Matty with her mashed potatoes, and she certainly doesn’t trust him with her daughter! Matty triumphs by mashing those potatoes like he’s never mashed anything before (wink?) and Mama Hockeyroo is suddenly very impressed and approving. Look, my money is on Hockeyroo for the win, but honestly who knows with this show. For all we know, we could get Jen as an intruder next week, and Matty could choose her. Crazier things have happened (remember Andrew G, Australian Idol? Oh, Osher).
HOME VISIT NUMBER FOUR! Time to go to Sydney with Georgia Love 2.0 (GL2.0). Let’s go to the beach each, let’s go get away. Matty is looking beach-ready, and… WAIT. Is that a three-legged dog? IT’S A THREE-LEGGED DOG! HIS NAME IS BUSTER! OK, fuck this show, I just want 16-hour-long episodes following the life of Buster, the three-legged dog. Alas, we’re stuck with what we’ve got. Matty is overwhelmed at meeting three generations of GL2.0’s family. He shouldn’t be worried, though, because Nan gives a raving one thumbs-up review of Matty, saying that ‘he’s alright’ and ‘ten out of ten’. The night goes really smoothly until the end when GL2.0 is entirely reasonable in demanding the same assurance from Matty that he is asking from her in terms of their ‘feelings’. This rational argument makes Matty upset, and he doesn’t seem too sure about GL2.0 anymore.
HOME VISIT NUMBER FIVE? Don’t ask me how, but I got access to some untelevised footage of a fifth hometown visit. Who’s the lucky lady, do you ask? Well, you should be asking, who is the lucky man? Matty arrives at Osher’s Sydney loft just as the sun was setting. The front door was unlocked, and he let himself in. Matty could hear soft jazz playing upstairs, and made his way to the source. He found Osher leaning against the balcony rail, watching the sun set over the harbour. Matty smiled, grabbed himself a glass of French champagne, and joined OshOshMyGosh. ‘You took your time’, Osh said with a chuckle. ‘I’m sorry, I had to pick up a rose for you – do you accept it?’ said Matty. Oshie rolled his eyes and took the rose, holding it to his nose and breathing deep. ‘It smells so sweet’, OshTosh whispered. ‘Not as sweet as you, my darling,’ Matty said softly, moving a lock of Oshie’s hair out of his eyes. ‘Not as sweet as you.’ End Scene.
COCK PARTY! Things are getting serious now. The girls are no longer sitting around and shooting the breeze with one another. Instead, they are all off on their own thinking about Feelings and their Future with Matty and their incredible Connections. Blah blah blah, super boring.
ROSE CEREMONY! It is episode 14 and, yet, I’m still incredibly confused as to what a Rose Ceremony is. The girls are huddled together for safety in the centre of the room, looking around wildly. OshUltraPosh walks in and explains that the girls took Matty to meet their families this week. OH OK, so that’s what the whole episode was about! OshOshOsh announces that there are FOUR LADIES HERE but only THREE ROSES. With the help of an abacus, OsherMosher explains the math to the girls. With his deft fingers, Osh makes the beads of the abacus appear to dance before him. The girls are transfixed. We realise that this means that ONE LADY WILL LEAVE the mansion forever and we will never see her again. Everyone is shocked as if this hasn’t happened every night for thirteen episodes before this. Matty gives a rose to everyone except Olena the Second, and she doesn’t even get the privilege of a private chat outside.
Matty excuses himself for an early night’s rest. The remaining three girls, who all look exactly the same, walk back to the mansion while admiring their roses. Osher, now the only one in the room, reaches into his pocket. He gently lifts out the rose Matty gave him earlier. ‘Oh, Matthew Johnson…’ he sighs, breathing in the scent of the rose. Osher turns slowly, and walks out into the cool night; the rose dangling at his side. #Mosher.
Katie has been watching The Bachelor ever since she was old enough to know that it’s complete bullshit. Her favourite Bachelor love story is Osher and himself, and her least favourite was Cool Bananas and everyone. One day, when she grows another foot in height and meets the show’s physical requirements, she’ll be a contestant and win Osher’s heart.