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Bachie Recaps: Episode 11

Illustration: Katie Ward

Ah, Episode 11. Here we go. We open with shots of the Bachelor Mansion, with lots of drone shots to make sure we all know that Channel Ten will Never Really Die and that they still have money.

We cut to the girls having a team huddle in the courtyard. Simone opens her mouth, complains about something and follows it by having a bit of a whinge. Blah blah blah, she never spends time with Matty, blah blah blah, surely today will be Her Chance to talk about Her Connection with Matty.

Osher appears. And uhh HE LOOKS SO GOOD?! That hair, that beard. Honestly, I was very upset at the start of the season when he rocked up with his new fuckboi hairstyle (OshKosh baby you are TOO GOOD FOR THAT) but DAYUM Osh you have grown that bad boy OUT. A little bit of salt n pepper in that beard mmmm yes Osh. Anyway – OshOsh takes some time to explain the concept of a single date because let’s be real, everyone is still confused. Georgia Love 2.0 gets the single date, Simone opens her mouth and whines for a bit. Georgia Love 2.0 pretends to feel guilty.

TO THE SINGLE DATE! Georgia Love 2.0 (I’m going to go with GL2.0 for short) calls the observatory the conservatorium. Matty doesn’t pick up on it, probably because he doesn’t know the difference either. Matty mentions how thinking about GL2.0 gets him ‘excited’. Wink wink wink. He then makes a very astute comment: ‘being in a mansion with all the other ladies, it can start to feel like a competition.’ OoOh, a ComPetiTioN?? YoU dON’T sAY. Honestly.

Anyway, we’re at the observatory. Something about connections, opening up, being guarded etc. etc. etc. Matty has the brilliant idea of going to a psychic to get GL2.0 to open up and reveal her Deeper Feelings. The psychic is Very Accurate in her observations, and I am impressed. This is explained by a shot of Matty slipping the psychic a cheeky 10er under the table.

We transition to night time, and our lovebirds are up in the Telescope Dome. Matty has a ‘special surprise’ for GL2.0. OH I’M SURE YOU DO MATTY, I’M SURE YOU DO. Instead of taking off his pants, it turns out Matty got them a star to name, and oh boy are they struggling. Look, call it Starry McStarface and call it a night. They name the star after their couple name. They have condemned the star to 10 billion years of being bullied by all the other stars.

We have a quick interlude to show what’s going on back at the house. Simone is still whining. We go back to the single date.

The observatory is transformed into a romantic getaway with the simple addition of a couch, 30 pillows, 60 candles and a lot of alcohol. Who knew that a Romantic Atmosphere was so achievable. Blah blah blah GL2.0 talks about being guarded and how amazing ‘this’ is and how amazing Matty is and how she Really Likes him blah blah blah. Somehow this turns Matty on, and they pash for a bit. They keep pashing. They must’ve been really short of content this episode. Finally, they break apart, and Matty pulls a rose out of his butt and gives it to GL2.0. They pash some more.

Ok, quick transition into the Group Date. I’m captivated yet again by Cute Boy Osher looking adorable. I just really hope they pay him well, I really do. Suddenly everyone’s eating donuts, Simone’s eating grass and then she’s talking about her hole being blocked. Everything happened so fast, and I don’t know how we got here. But then – out of the darkness comes the purest thing I have ever heard. OshKoshMyGosh laughs. It is so genuine, so real, and so beautiful. His joy brings me joy. I forget everything at that moment. I am in awe of his happiness. I am bamboozled.

I snap out of it when I hear the words ‘in a game of shameless exploitation’. Ah yes, back to it. I got distracted there. And Oh My Lord they are pinning the heart on the most attractive of Matty’s features. Someone has to chuck a heart on his spicy area. Go the dick, go the dick, go the dick. In an act of brilliance, Simone goes for it. Cobie almost dies on the spot. What’s-her-name Olena the Second calls it his ‘little manhood’. Simone talks explicitly about tight jeans. I am enjoying myself. Osher is NOT impressed by this behaviour. I feel like I’ve let Osher down by finding this funny. Osher reaches for ‘Matty Johnson’s Johnson’, I am breathless. I ship it. Did Osher’s hand just linger on Matty’s groin? I swear it did and you can’t tell me otherwise #Mosher.

Alright, so we keep going and they talk about special things from childhoods. We find out Olena the Second used to cut limbs off her stuffed toy. Simone’s mum pulls the best prank ever by sending her something completely insignificant. Hockeyroo once again proves she is amazing at playing the game by being Matty’s ideal woman. We find out Elora was the horse girl at school. We see shots of Lisa, and I remember that she exists. Poor Lisa, this girl is just too smart to get amongst this goddamn awful show. Hockeyroo wins extra time with Matty. They talk about how great family is, they have a pash.

COCKtail TIME! The girls try to be diplomatic about spending alone time with Matty. They don’t achieve anything. Tara, aka Sausage Queen, continues to prove herself as my favourite by calling the Secret Garden the SEEEKKYYY G. God I love her. More shots of Simone complaining. Shots of Lisa looking confused and uncomfortable. Lisa is all of us if we ever went on this show.

ROSE CEREMONY! What the fuck is happening, I am so confused? Why is everyone standing around? Why does GL2.0 have a rose? Oh, thank god, here’s OshiePie. He’ll explain everything! Osh explains that we’re at a Rose Ceremony and that a ROSE=SAFE and NO ROSE=NOT SAFE. We only have SIX ROSES, Osher gets out a blackboard and starts writing equations. Osher tells us that ONE LADY will GO HOME and everyone’s relieved that he did the math for them. Matty enters, he calls Cobie??? first???? Everyone gets a rose except Simone, and Osh reiterates that NO ROSE=NOT SAFE, so that means Simone is GONE. Matty tells her that she’ll find someone, but for the love of god, it will not be him. Osher is given cash in hand for his hard work. He goes home and bathes his hair in coconut oil for 12 hours. The girls go back to the mansion where Cobie adds a lock of Matty’s hair to her shrine. Lisa rocks herself to sleep, Elora arranges her horse figurines, and GL2.0 practices smiling in the mirror.

 

Katie has been watching The Bachelor ever since she was old enough to know that it’s complete bullshit. Her favourite Bachelor love story is Osher and himself, and her least favourite was Cool Bananas and everyone. One day, when she grows another foot in height and meets the show’s physical requirements, she’ll be a contestant and win Osher’s heart.