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Bachie Recaps: Episode 12

Illustration: Katie Ward

Episode 12, let’s do this. We start off with a groundbreaking discussion about how all the girls want more alone time with Matty. Everyone is amazed that time has passed and there are now only seven girls – who would’ve thought that an elimination every night would lead to a decrease in contestants? Oshie lets himself into the mansion, helps himself to some brekky and then pulls a date card out of his butt. He disappears in a puff of smoke after swiping an expensive vase to sell at CashConverters. The girls freak out over the date card, Cobie starts praying, Lisa pretends that she wants a single date. Olena the Second gets the date, Lisa says she’s disappointed. She’s not fooling anyone.

SINGLE DATE TIME! Olena the Second hangs out in a park and Matty arrives in a helicopter to whisk her away. Again, he emphasises how much he wants the girls to Open Up to him and talk about the Deeper Stuff. I get Deja Vu. We get lots of shots of hand holding and thigh stroking. Matty pretends to be an air host, and the audience learns that he is a Regular Prankster. They land in another park, and start to make some pottery. Stuck for inspiration, Matty suggests that Olena the Second makes a replica of his penis. She agrees enthusiastically and gets to work, vowing to do his little manhood justice by saying ‘I want to make something beautiful and not something you want to hide.’ Matty isn’t happy with her progress, so he steps in and does the job for her. They are both turned on by making a clay willy, and they have a pottery pash. They leave their clay bratwurst in the middle of nowhere. Cobie sneaks on set to grab it to add to her shrine.

We now find the magic date couch on a cliff, facing the opposite way to the view. There are no candles to be seen, and I feel uncomfortable. They talk about opening up, and they reminisce about the good old days when they jumped off a building together. Olena the Second talks about feelings and Matty is Very Impressed. They pash for a while. Matty insinuates that he finds Olena the Second Super Hot. Matty distracts Olena the Second by making her find him a fig, while a crewmember who is dangling off the cliff behind the couch passes him a rose. Matty gives Olena the rose. They pash some more. End Scene.

GROUP DATE! Activewear, activewear, going to a group date in my activewear. Even Oshie is in his activewear, what a treat. Did ActiveOsh just stare longingly at Matty’s guns? I think so, wink wink. OshBear prepares everyone for a group Deep And Meaningful, and talks a lot about feelings. Elora explains that winning the extra time with Matty after the group date means ‘that one girl gets to spend more time with Matty.’ What would we do without your explanations,Elora.

Everyone gets given a board to write their FEARS down. Cobie literally freaks out. Georgia Love 2.0 (GL2.0) talks quite eloquently about her fears and then claims that she doesn’t know how to put those fears into words. Lisa talks about how she would fear rejection, but it’s super obvious her fear is being on this goddamn show for a second longer than she has to be. Matty joins Lisa on a very ordinary park bench that does not have 60 cushions and a halo of candles. Lisa says all the things that will ensure she goes home ASAP. Matty is not impressed. My fingers are crossed for you, Lisa.

Some man appears to teach the girls how to box. He looks very uncomfortable. Matty seems surprised that a group of women could perform such a masculine task such as boxing. Lisa gets a little too angry about still being on the show and starts beating Matty up. The girls egg her on as she hits Matty while he’s down. Security steps in to pull Lisa back. OshieBegoshie reminds us that we’re all here to be Serious. He reveals that the girls will now punch through the board that they wrote their fears on. They should call him Osher the Poet, Osher the Symboliser, Osher the Intellect. Cobie volunteers to break her board first, but then gets super bamboozled when she finds out that she has to read what she wrote. She cries and then spends forty minutes reading the fucking essay she wrote on the board. After six attempts to break the board, she does it. Then we see GL2.0, Hockeyroo, Elora and Olena the Second all read their boards and smash them. The Sausage Queen (aka Tara) is up next, and reveals her essay. The Sausage Queen has nerves of steel as she does not cry while reading her board. Matty is super into it. She caresses Matty’s abs. The Sausage Queen is my hero. Matty dogs Cobie and chooses The Sausage Queen to have extra time. Cobie goes home and cries in front of a collage of Matty. She lights her handmade candles scented with Matty’s cologne and writes in her journal. Her tears stain the pages.

ROOFTOP EXTRA TIME WITH SAUSAGE QUEEN. The Sausage Queen screams a lot and is very loud, and Matty is really into her. Matty expresses his concern that The Queen is not serious enough, just as in literally every single episode before this one. And, as we’ve seen previously, the Queen proves that she is, in fact, a real person with a depth of personality. She puts her heart on the line and tells Matty that she LIKE likes him. She lets him know that there are ‘a lot of fun times to be had’, YEAH THERE ARE wink wink. They have a pad thai pash, Matty says that The Queen is the only girl in the world, they have a passionate pad thai pash. Things are looking serious.

COCK TIME! Everyone is back on the topic of opening up and getting more time with Matty. Cobie is filling Simone’s shoes by complaining a lot. Matty comes in and talks some more about opening up. Some shots of Lisa remind me that she exists, but, for her sake, I hope that Matty has forgotten her altogether. Cobie gets asked for a private chat, and I swear she vomits with
excitement. HERE WE GO Cobie gets a trip to the SEEEKKKYYY G, yes Cobie get it. She is close to crying and is mentally writing her next journal entry as she walks next to Matty. Matty has hidden a rose behind a cushion, but he can’t remember which of the 50 cushions it’s behind. With the help of 10 crewmembers, he finally finds it and gives it to Cobie. She combusts
on the spot.

Elora gets jealous and steals Matty for a chitchat. She tries to pull him behind a curtain for a sneaky smooch, but Matty is Just Not That Into Her. Elora goes to her room to have a cry and confide in her horse figurines. They tell her that she messed up and should be very embarrassed. None of the girls are impressed that Elora tried to kiss their communal boyfriend.

ROSE CEREMONY! Why is everyone standing in lines? What are Cobie and Olena the Second doing with roses? Fuck, why am I always so confused. Oh, thank god, here’s Osher the Intellect to explain it to me. Ok, here’s the deal: we have FIVE LADIES WITHOUT A ROSE and only FOUR ROSES TO GIVE OUT, that means ONE WILL LEAVE FOREVER. Thank god for Osher. Someone pay him a large sum of money, please.

Matty walks in and looks like a sad boy because he is sensitive and doesn’t like freeing anyone from the hell that is the Bachelor Mansion. Everyone gets a rose except Lisa. Oshie explains very slowly that this means Lisa gets to leave the Mansion and Never Return. Lisa is visibly overjoyed. She high fives Matty, finger guns Osher and backflips out of the Mansion. Everyone forgets her as soon as she leaves the room. Osher and Matty leave hand-in- hand, while the girls return to their rooms to brainstorm different methods of opening up.

 

Katie has been watching The Bachelor ever since she was old enough to know that it’s complete bullshit. Her favourite Bachelor love story is Osher and himself, and her least favourite was Cool Bananas and everyone. One day, when she grows another foot in height and meets the show’s physical requirements, she’ll be a contestant and win Osher’s heart.

Click here for Bachie Recap: Episode 11