I’ve got a tub of hummus, and I’ve got a bag of corn chips. Episode 13, I am ready for you. It looks like we’re jumping straight into things? No scenes dedicated to OshiePoshie sneaking into the mansion uninvited and making date cards appear out of thin air? Channel Ten, I feel cheated.
We’ve gone straight to the GROUP DATE. Despite it being episode fucking 13, OshKosh announces that everyone doesn’t know each other enough yet so he’s got some fun activities lined up for the girls! I, myself, love a good icebreaker, it’s why I always miss the first tutorial of each semester.
Our first activity is the classic ‘Force Women to Rank Themselves Against Other Women’. Now this one is my personal favourite and kudos to the show runners for choosing an activity that actively encourages passive aggression and pettiness. First up we have ‘Who is the Funniest Girl?’. It’s obviously the Sausage Queen, everyone knows it. The Queen takes her rightful place at the top and strikes a power pose. I bow down to her. Next, we have most honest, most compassionate, most positive blah blah BLAH. Then comes the greatest one of all: who is the most down to earth? Ok, let me just say that this particular group of people provides VERY slim-pickings for ‘down to earth’. But you have to work with what you’ve got. Elora thinks the sun shines out of her butthole, so she puts herself at the top. The Queen shuts her down with quite possibly my favourite quote of the whole season: ‘burning sage and running around the house does not mean that you’re down to earth’. God that girl is a GIFT to this show.
OshOsh runs a complicated algorithm on a supercomputer behind the scenes and reveals that the Sausage Queen and Georgia Love 2.0 (GL2.0) didn’t get through to the next round. The SECOND ROUND is all about deal breakers. The girls seem riveted. Finally, they get to know concrete attributes of Matty’s ideal woman. One by one, we learn Matty’s deal breakers. Number one: if you’re not Georgia Love, it’s not going to happen. Everyone looks distraught except GL2.0, who is asking someone off camera if that applies to her. Deal breaker number two: if you’re not on reality TV for the sole purpose to boost your social media presence, then Matty is just not interested. The girls light up – they’re back in the game! The rest of the deal breakers are boring and about honesty and trust etc. etc. who cares. Olena the Second and Cobie both don’t care enough about their Instagram following-to-followers ratio, so they’re out of the game.
It’s just Hockeyroo and Elora now. They must write what makes up their ideal relationship. It turns out they were actually writing their vows and are now both getting married to Matty. The Bachelor has the opportunity to make a huge step in social justice by allowing a polyamorous union. Alas, Matty is turned off by Elora’s rhyming, and he chooses Hockeyroo to marry. The show ends, everyone goes home. See you all for the Bachelorette.
Just kidding, the season can’t end just yet – we haven’t had a performance by a forgotten artist from the early 2000s! Hockeyroo and Matty go to a bar and listen to James Blunt sing. While Matty and Hockeyroo make out on the d-floor, James Blunt thinks back to the good old days of 2004 when he could sing his top hit ‘You’re Beautiful’ in literally anywhere but on a low-budget reality TV show and still get paid for it. James finishes his one song, Matty and Hockeyroo keep pashing, so James makes a run for it and disappears as quickly as he arrived. James Blunt for the Bachelor 2018? It’s a yes from me.
We transition straight to the SINGLE DATE with Cobie. We see Matty skipping stones across a river. He’s talking about his feelings for Cobie and makes it very clear that he is about to Friendzone her. Poor Cobie, all she wants is to have uninhibited access to Matty’s Bach Pad so that she can collect hair from his shower and dirty underwear from his hamper. Cobie rocks up, and Matty decides to surprise her with something. He tells her to close her eyes, and she does so enthusiastically. Matty tiptoes away slowly, motioning for the crew to follow him. They leave Cobie standing next to the river and go to the local pub for a beer. They return three hours later to find Cobie giggling with her eyes still shut.
Matty takes Cobie to a Giants Obstacle course, and I get vivid flashbacks to my Grade Five school camp. If Matty wanted to choose a date that screamed ‘I am not attracted to you in any way, and quite frankly you make me uncomfortable’, then he has really outdone himself. We get lots of shots of Matty saying things like ‘We’re really good friends’, juxtaposed with Cobie crying softly into a handwoven pillow made from Matty’s hair. We move onto the magic date couch, and you can see the exact moment when Cobie realises that Matty is friendzoning her. Matty sends Cobie home on the spot, she cries for a bit and then leaves. She’ll either set her shrine on fire and cleanse her mind and spirit of this awful experience, or make ten different macaroni portraits of Matty to sell on Etsy.
We’re now at the COCK PARTY! The girls are talking about how much fun Cobie must be having, but I can’t see them through the thousands of cushions and candles in the mansion. OshieTamagotchi arrives unexpectedly. The girls start freaking out because This Normally Does Not Happen! They find out that they are never going to see Cobie again EVER because Matty didn’t think she was hot enough. Then OshOsh reveals that there will still be a rose ceremony and it’s in five minutes! Olena the Second starts chucking back glasses of champagne, the Sausage Queen snorts a sausage, GL2.0 starts pulling out chunks of her hair and Elora is rocking back-and-forth in the corner. Osher looks at the mayhem he’s caused, a smile spreads across his chiselled face. His work here is complete.
ROSE CEREMONY. Everyone is SCARED. I am CONFUSED. Thankfully, Osher walks in with his laptop, sets up his projector and gets a PowerPoint presentation up. With an artful use of text animations, Osher tells us that there are FIVE LADIES LEFT and ONLY FOUR LADIES CAN GO TO HOMETOWN, which is why THERE ARE ONLY FOUR ROSES. The girls stare at him blankly. Elora’s weeping intensifies. Osher revises his PowerPoint, and with the power of Clipart, he reveals that ONLY FOUR ROSES means ONE LADY WILL GO HOME FOREVER. It’s all so clear now. The girls are relieved that they don’t have to do any math. Matty gives everyone a rose except Elora. Osher uses his PowerPoint to explain that she has to leave – mainly because Channel Ten can’t afford the international flights for her home-visit in Episode 14. Elora bursts into flames and runs out of the mansion, leaving behind a trail of debris. Her screeching echoes in the night.
Osher extinguishes the flames with a wave of his hand, takes Matty by the arm and vanishes into the darkness. The girls pack their bags, put on their walking shoes and start the long treks back to their respective hometowns.
Katie has been watching The Bachelor ever since she was old enough to know that it’s complete bullshit. Her favourite Bachelor love story is Osher and himself, and her least favourite was Cool Bananas and everyone. One day, when she grows another foot in height and meets the show’s physical requirements, she’ll be a contestant and win Osher’s heart.