Satire

Third Wheel Not Doing Himself Any Favours by Tagging Couple Friends in Memes

A recent article published in J. Appl. Psychol. has found that single friends who tag couple friends in memes do not have a higher chance of attracting a mate than those who do not. This finding came to light as Bachelor Johnno tagged his couple friends, Alice and Derek, in the fourth Spongebob meme of the week.

“We love Johnno, don’t get us wrong, but meme- tagging is a sacred act amongst young couples,” tells Alice, who met Derek at a Burgmann/B&G mixer two years ago. The pair are reported to have hit it off almost immediately and basically became official when Derek tagged Alice in a Jerry of the Day video. Johnno was one of the first to pick up on Alice and Derek’s mutual interest in each other after he noticed that the two were both of affluent, Northern Sydney heritage and were avid members of the ANU Snow Sports Club.

“I’ve known Alice since first year. We met in PPE society, and I used to pester Derek for 1013 web assignment answers” recalls Johnno, a 25- year old undergrad currently on his second degree switch.  “They’re my best friends and I like to share in their happiness by including them in various Facebook shitposts,” he added.

Alice and Derek see things differently, however. “I missed out on tagging Alice in a spicy meme last month because Johnno got to it first. I appreciate the effort, but I think he needs to start focusing on himself. Last I checked, his Tinder age setting was 18-30 with a range of 35km,” comments Derek.

“We just want him to be happy, but also not mooch off our gross, borderline-toxic mutual dependency,” Alice added. “Maybe he should try Bumble? That’s what single peasants use now when they want to ascend, right? They use Bumble?”