I had a crush on my economics teacher

I asked him to write me a university recommendation

He asked me, “are you a feminist?”

“I don’t know”, I replied. Cheeks red,

happy to talk to him, laughing as my friend calls a classmate feminazi

 

Walking home. My backpack, my trumpet

Too heavy for me to run as a man

masturbates, leisurely on his bike,

face covered by a helmet.

Next to me

engine running, riding, rubbing at my walking pace.

Cheeks red, my heart pales. I pretend not to see.

ashamed

I could never tell my parents.

Until finally, I could.

 

An internship, a Linkedin profile.

I serve tea

I serve tea for three months

A woman tells me, there are jobs for men and there are jobs for women

“Who are you to be ungrateful for the opportunities you get?”

 

I take the train to the Australian consulate. I’m picking up my visa!

It’s far away, I’m using Google Maps.

A man in a suit takes

pictures of me.

His gaze is unashamed, scouring my body

Prematurely, I get off at the next stop,

I push myself into a crowd

he’s lost me.

 

I get on the next train, stand in the women’s only carriage.

I look behind my shoulder,

same man behind me, swaying to the same lurching on the same train.

 

My life feels like a video game.

 

Driving school. We learn CPR.

“Right, girls aren’t really getting it. Girls only. More rounds of practise”

One, Two, One, Two. We push away

on a plastic corpse.

Bend down, latch our mouths to the dummy’s and exhale

His face pressed to mine,

“let me watch you do it, let me help you learn.”

Clammy and sweaty, red-faced from CPR and his body heat next to mine

 

ANU. I see strong women.

I hear people talking

about things I only thought

to myself.

I don’t blush anymore.

It feels good.

“Are you a feminist?”

I think I know the answer to that now.