A recent poll has revealed that ANU’s most essential service is T-BROWS, the campus’s one stop shop for eyebrow tinting and eyelash extensions. Thanks to its convenient location, student deals and essential services, T-BROWS is now considered the beating heart of ANU’s student life.

“Where would I be without it?” one student commented. “A quick session in the morning, and I walk into my gender studies class a whole new woman. I wouldn’t have thought it before coming to ANU, but I guess forking out for good brows is essential to the university experience.”

So too has an original sceptic of T-BROWS been convinced of the salon’s importance. “At first I thought it was ridiculous that Australia’s most prestigious research university has a shop that sells women an ‘ideal appearance’. Then again, I’m an anthropology student, so I’m keen to use T-BROWS as a case study for my thesis on the effect affordable student facilities have on beauty roles and institutional misogyny. Wish me luck!”

T-BROWS was followed closely by Kriss Kross, a re- tailer for ‘high-end’ streetwear and sneaker laundry. It comes highly recommended by students — with one member of the ANU community laughing off the high price tag, “Who cares? Anything to get my sneakers clean after Spilt Milk. I’ve told Dad that it’s food money but this is way more important.”

A parallel poll asking students about their most de- sired campus service has been disregarded as impossible to reconcile with Kambri’s original purpose as a ‘bold new campus vision’. They are as follows:

Post Office: 20 per cent
Newsagency: 9 per cent

Affordable Food Options: 51 per cent

Bike Shop and Repair: 17 per cent

Developers agreed that these services would have been unnecessary eyesores in the sleek grey of Kambri’s streamlined paths. Despite many complaints from the ANU community about Kambri’s corporate prices, facilities and general inaccessibility to students, Kambri’s team have stood their ground.

“Post offices are so old-school,” one developer commented. “The ANU is all about forward thinking and we’ve got no time for snail-mail around here. What does progress look like? Like clean sneakers, that’s what.”

“I would like to be able to buy a MyWay card.” One student bravely admitted while in the line at T-BROWS. “Or send a postcard to Mum. But if the campus has a brow-bar, who am I to pass up the opportunity?”

“Nothing but the best for my faculty,” Brian Schmidt is purported to be heard murmuring, sporting beautifully shaped brows and freshly cleaned kicks as he ambled through the bustling heart of ANU.