Reasons Why Climate Change isn't Real

  1. I wore three layers of thermals the other day.
  2. The only natural disaster we have encountered was FAKE NEWS. That’s right, the flooding of Sullivans Creek was staged. Brian Schmidt just wanted a day off to tend to his winery (#schmidtdidit). Also, Woroni was low on content and wanted to find a more interesting subject for their ‘iNvEsTigAtiVe jOurNaLisM’.
  3. My room gets cold at night. How could my room get cold if the globe is supposedly warming? Sometimes I shut my window and my room is still cold. Well, “‘scientists’,” riddle me this: iIf the earth truly is truly getting hotter, then why is my room so cold?
  4. The United States withdrew from the Paris Agreement but snow still exists! The Paris Conference was just an office Christmas party where all the world leaders could blame their crazy communist conspiracy theories on the coal industry – an industry which has been and remains to be at the heart of the industrial revolution, slave labour and potentially the destruction of the Great Barrier Reef and Indigenous land! But that reef has had its time in the sun. (Get it? Sun, like climate change.)
  5. Science is fake. Think about it – what has science been right about? The moon landing: fake. The earth being round: fake. Vaccinations: fake. Science has been so consistently wrong that there is no way Climate Change™could be real! If it really is, God, give me a sign*.

* Rising world temperatures and increase in natural disasters do not count as signs.