How To Talk To Women

2018 was a big year for women. Things are changing (albeit slowly) all around the world. Trust me, I know women, and in 2019 women want to finally be treated equally. Women want and deserve respect.

It’s about time for things to change, and for that change to come about, us men have a responsibility to change our behaviour towards women. Now, I’m an equalist – you probably won’t find anyone who treats people more equally than me. Because women have been treated like second-class citizens for so long, it’s only fair that they get some special treatment to make up for it. In 2019, women want to be respected? Well, I can go one better. In 2019 I don’t respect women, I worship them. Here’s my guide on how to worship women in 2019 and move a step closer to a gender-equal world. Ladies, this year’s on us.

First, interacting with women. When interacting with a woman, you should appear disinterested and not listen to what she’s saying. Although it might sound idiotic, just think about it from a woman’s perspective – easy! Women are constantly being talked over and interrupted by men, and so when a man is enthusiastically engaged in a conversation, alarm bells will start ringing for a woman that she’s about to be talked over. By acting disinterested, a woman will feel comfortable with you, knowing that she’s safe from interruption and can talk all she wants.

To display your polite disinterest, you should avoid direct eye contact and look into blank space, mouthing incoherent words every once in a while to indicate your commitment to a deep rambling daydream. If you do accidentally make eye contact, a wink (subtle and playful) will resolve this mishap.

Now, when speaking to a woman, make sure to use affectionate pronouns instead of her name. Using a woman’s name can be forward and intrusive. Instead use terms such as ‘love’ and ‘darling’. In conversation, words can have different meanings for women, a phenomenon known as ‘playing-hard-to-get’. To understand what a woman means, you must have a strong and stable intuition to decipher her riddles. For example, the phrase ‘please do not talk to me anymore, you make me highly uncomfortable’ can mean literally what it means. But it can also mean ‘please keep asking me when you can play guitar for me and if I’ve done acid before.’ It’s up to you to take some responsibility and understand what’s being communicated between the lines.

As words have different meanings for women, this means that women can be prone to confusing themselves when speaking. As such, when in conversation, you ought to assume what I have coined the ‘Disposition of Paternalistic Doubt’ (DPD). Essentially, what you want to do is question the legitimacy of anything a woman says, like a dad doing school revision with his 7-year-old daughter. Constantly pepper her with questions like ‘Really?’, ‘Are you sure?’, ‘Actually I think it’s…’. Now, there is a second step that goes hand in hand with DPD. Before she gets time to react to your undermining jab disguised as a question, explain her own point back to her, to clarify that she’s not confused and talking about the wrong thing. Even though women might not like being talked over, sometimes it’s for their own good and they just don’t know it. Regardless of their expertise and your likely lack of expertise regarding that topic, even if you can only offer a broad and very possibly incorrect piece of information, it’s best to play it safe and interrupt her than run the risk of letting a woman embarrass herself.

For conversation topics, feminism is always an easy go-to. Be sure to open a conversation by telling them about the collection of feminist literature you either don’t actually have, or do have but haven’t read. If asked your opinion, deflect this with vague and fluffy comments such as ‘yeah I really like how Clementine Ford highlights the rampant sexism in Australian culture’, or offer them your unread copy of The Second Sex to borrow.

Finally, conversation dynamics can change slightly on social media. When texting a woman, the two key forms of communication should be music recommendations and poetry. These help to culturally educate and enlighten her, while also containing melodies and rhyming, making them easy for her to remember. For music recommendations, try the aggressively sexist hip hop you listen to that totally contradicts the feminist values you told her you uphold – she won’t notice. For poetry, anything sexual, preferably those that use weird and jarring fruit metaphors.

So, there it is men, follow this guide and you will transcend respect and break into a new realm of how to properly treat women. It might not be what women say they want, but they do. In 2019, instead of respecting women, it’s time to worship them.