Welcome back, Bachelor-brains…it’s our favourite time of the week again.

It’s ‘Danger Week’ on The Bachelor, as Channel Ten attempts to lure in the Survivor audience with a more daring approach to the show. And it’s not just on the dates – there’s trouble brewing amongst the girls themselves. Come on…did we really think the dog c*** debacle was going to be the end of that drama?

First, it’s time for a single date, and our beautiful Elly is picked for a lovely – if boring – fire-dancing date that honestly should have been way more exciting than it was. They dance among the sparks with the backing track of Elly exclaiming “strewth almighty”. It’s about time producers gave some limelight to the poor girl, who has been almost forgotten amongst the sheer amount of back-stabbing in the mansion. Not even her uncomfortable joke about steam-punk fetishes can stop her from being a frontrunner. After all, it wouldn’t be The Bachelor if there wasn’t a forced sexual innuendo somewhere in there.

But back at the mansion, trouble is afoot as the girls begin to speculate that Rachael might have her eye on someone else. The deadpan blonde even flaunts her “Plan B” (not the pill), saying that he’s a “smart, measurable, attainable, realistic and good looking” goal. You can’t really blame her. The poor girl hasn’t even had a single date yet, and I can imagine that a sexy cameraman would be pretty distracting day in, day out. 

Anyway, it’s quickly time for a group date. This time the chosen method of psychological exploitation is a crude attempt at making the girls reveal their ‘baggage’ by writing their biggest relationship fear on – you guessed it – a literal item of baggage. The inspiration! The genius! Poor Kristen reveals that her biggest fear is of losing her self-worth. She is then forced to confront her other biggest fear by jumping out of a plane. Thankfully the poor, broken girl was gifted a rose for possibly facing severe trauma and being abusively pressured into doing something she didn’t want to do for the sake of ratings. Ah, romance…

But no more of that boring daredevil stuff! We get to the meat of the episode with the cocktail party, where Mary decides that she will reveal Rachael’s betrayal (possibly prefaced with an explanation of who Rachael is, for the bachelor’s benefit). And in the greatest show of hypocrisy I’ve seen outside of international politics, the man who is dating 28 women at once has an on-air hissy fit about Rachael’s infidelity. Oh well, it’s bye bye to Rachael, who exits the mansion with the immortal words, “you f**king dogs”. They are just LOVING the dog imagery on this show!

But we aren’t safe yet. Within the cocktail party lurks another rose ceremony, and it is the delightfully boisterous Nikki who is released back from whence she came. Fare thee well, Nikki, you never got the camera time you so richly deserved.

The second episode of the week informs the viewer that Danger Week is still being dragged on for another whole hour. The audience, as well as the girls, are forced to watch as Matt and various contestants engage in some ludicrous heterosexual gyrating that is allegedly supposed to be circus acrobatics. This ridiculous activity is run by a man with the most spectacular moustache I’ve ever had the privilege of seeing. Abbie shines as the most shameless of the bunch, all but forcing the other girls out of the way and twisting her prey up in those aerial yoga ropes. So obviously she wins some one-on-one time as her reward!

After a fun-looking twirly routine (that must have taken HOURS of rehearsal) the two of them collapse into a mid-air snog. But Abbie rushes to assure the audience that it’s not just physical. She confesses to “seeing herself falling in love” with Matt, which as we all know is a sure-fire way to get a rose. And get one she does, along with a very uncomfortable silence from the bachelor himself.

It’s time for the second single date, and someone needs to tell the producers to CALM THE HELL DOWN because Chelsie is now being forced to scale down a building. The scene is too stressful to be entertaining, and Chelsie looks like she’s just about done when she flops down to the ground. But once they’re safely back on earth Chelsie gets to spill her guts about her ex, who sounds like a piece of trash. She gets a rose for her pain, which is the bare minimum that this goddess deserves.

Another day, another cocktail party, and this time Sogand is ready to steal back Matt’s attention with a belly dance that is…painful. Elly thankfully rescues the evening by gifting Matt a flannel shirt that is far better than the blue and white monstrosity he was boasting. Good call, girl.

Because there are still too many girls this rose ceremony ends up getting rid of two girls instead of one, and it’s Mary and Nichole who make their graceful exits. Who will deliver the sassy commentary now? There’s a lot riding on you, Sogand!

So concludes the hot mess that was Danger Week. With the real life bachelor visiting Canberra at the moment, I think the biggest danger is of the winner being leaked before the season is finished. That may actually be more exciting than the horror show dates we were just forced to witness.