Zed Seselja Now to Send Sympathy and Congratulation Cards

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Federal Senator Zed Seselja has announced a grand expansion to his much adored “18th birthday messages to young voters” campaign strategy. In a recent interview, Seselja cited the success of sending birthday wishes to all new voters, claiming that “as many as twenty-one 18 year olds are enrolled to vote in the ACT”. Some sources suggest that one of the youths may even have voted for Zed.

The new campaign, Seselja says, builds on the key strategy of preying on the most innocent, naive, and vulnerable voters. “We realized that while new 18 year olds are typically uninformed and easy to sway, there are many more vulnerable crevices of voters’ emotional lives we hadn’t even considered! For example, we’re starting by targeting newlyweds.”

Woroni has obtained a copy of the transcript:

“To the newest husband and housewife of Australia,
The office of Zed Seselja was gratified to hear of your recent union. I would like to personally wish you the best for your life ahead. Marriage is a beautiful union between two willing parties. The same, incidentally, might be said about the liberal/national coalition. Like your marriage, the LNP conveys an air of unity and stability to all around, in a desperate attempt to hide the deep and unsettling divisions emerging from consistent failures to meet expectation. Just as you will balance two careers with raising children and mortgage payments – we are balancing an unruly senate. Just as you have the obnoxious, over-parenting family down the road – we have the labor party.
So remember, a vote for the LNP is a vote for the stability of government, and of your marriage.
Kind regards,
Senator Zed Seselja”

Seselja has assured Woroni that the husband’s last name will be used for both partners, regardless of whether the wife retained her name. He went on to release the second of their new targeted letters:

“Dear Sir/Madam,
I was greatly saddened to hear of the loss of your beloved grandmother. She was an esteemed member of the community, and will be sorely missed. She was an outstanding member of our community in many ways; raising children, keeping her garden, and voting for the Liberal party. All of these qualities will be greatly missed, but there is one way you can preserve your grandmother’s memory. She is gone from the world, but her spirit can live on for as long as you, in her memory, vote for the LNP. It’s what Grandma would have wanted.
Yours with sympathy,
Senator Zed Seselja”