Woozy Mythologies

Alcohol is not as injurious to health as claimed. Remarks (dare I say rumours) planted against the alcohol industry by pro-prohibition groups, namely WHO (Water for Hydration Organization), are aimed at abolishing the drinking tradition (or life as we know it) via health scare shenanigans. That is why yours truly, Dr. Johnnie Walker, will attempt to distil, and thus separate, the facts from the lies in WHO’s allegations.

Alcohol leads to hangovers.

It is a much publicised misconception that the various “hangover” symptoms such as severe headaches, vomiting, and black outs, are due to excessive drinking the night before. A study titled “Calvinistic Backlash”, has found that the body releases hormone-suppressors, which have the unpleasant effects of punishing the body (and mind) by depleting the overflow of endorphins, “happy hormones”, produced while partying.

Alcohol leads to premature wrinkles.

This fable has been transformed into a modern day “the dog ate my homework” excuse. It has risen to prominence thanks to the apologies of mature-aged housewives who always fail to reveal their true biological age – “it was the alcohol; I’m actually 25”.

 Alcohol leads to addiction.

 It keeps me awake at night to know that WHO brainwashes ex-drunks into joining their cause. WHO deploys them anonymously in hush-hush destinations to falsely testify that an initial sip of alcohol leads to a lifelong addiction to the “drug”. If we honour that logic, then it is philosophically self-evident to blame the knife for the murder. .

 Alcohol leads to sexual problems.

 On the contrary, drinking has a liberating effect; it assists in breaking down people’s inhibitions, making the necessary transition from second to third base that much simpler. Alcohol, and its tipsy effects lead to explosive sex; without this medium, intercourse would be an awkward affair.

 Alcohol leads to stomach problems.

 The negative effects of spicy Indian food should not be confused with the benefits of a well-documented alcohol-as-catalyst detoxification program. Alcohol, a medical-grade cleansing agent, seeps into the immune system and activates its ejaculatory responses, colloquially known as a “bowel movement”, purging the body of elemental toxins and unsought bacteria. As a matter of nutritional-fact, drinking ethanol is kind of like eating three handfuls of prunes.

 Alcohol leads to diabetes.

 Drop the candy bar. Do not blame your lack of self-restraint on the Holy Spirit – Bacardi played no part in your affliction. This sham is a shift-the-blame ploy, played by WHO’s notorious cohort, the gluttonous CCH (Coca-Cola for Hydration) Organization, not to be confused with the spirited CJD (Coke and Jack Daniels) Organization, who are our ally.

 Alcohol leads to liver diseases.

 The worst-case scenario is that your skin turns yellow. So what? Yellow, or glowing skin, is a trendy and attractive look. Many fresh-faced 2013-reality TV stars in Los Angeles will attest that (provided an endorsement deal is in order) yellow is the new orange.

 Alcohol leads to heart disease.

 Numerous clinical trials have unanimously concluded that drinking beverages spiked with alcohol reduces the risk of developing the accursed disease. However, WHO and its associates continue to persecute the alcoholic beverage industry by sowing untruths – they are such heartless bigots.

 Alcohol leads to brain problems.

“Brain shrinkage” is the stupidest constructed fable against alcohol consumption ever – simply put, a no-brainer. Ethanol, a vegan-friendly, organic compound (C2H6O), isn’t mincing anybody’s head. Had WHO bothered to look at all the medical faculty’s stock of brains-in-jars, they would have found out that alcohol does not destroy – it preserves. Additionally, once the nervous system absorbs this elixir, it works to decrease the risks of strokes: God bless Biology!

Alcohol leads to cancer.

Please, anything you do these days leads to cancer; even bananas are classed as a radioactive fruit. So I shall spare you the arguments on this one and will simply deem cancer inevitable.

I – Dr. Johnnie Walker – would like to reassure you once again, habitual and potential drinker, that such myths conjured up by WHO and its disciples are not true in the slightest. Still, I trust that swallowing such opposing views is no easy task (as lies are sweeter than truths, it is said) so to help ease the tension of a conflicted mind, a prescription for a shot or three seems to be in order, wouldn’t you agree? – “Hear, hear”, you say.