Wine Tasting

At the end of this article, you, dear reader, may feel inclined to insult me. Here are some suggestions.

Wanker, self-indulgent tosser, the engorged member of the one percent. But don’t be humbled by me – choose your own adventure.

On the weekend, I went wine tasting, and discovered that it is an excellent way to drink a great deal of excellent alcohol for almost nothing. The only costs are petrol, enduring the moral piety of the sober designated driver, and the passive aggressive stare of the wine man when it turns out that you, a twenty year old university student intending to suck the government teat dry, have decided against buying any wine after all.

Before I continue, may I take issue with the nomenclature ’wine tour’? The word ‘tour’ conjures up the concept of  a wild Contiki romp. Its connotations are hopelessly middlebrow. Much more appropriate is the phrase ‘winery-hop’. This is redolent of the American strategy to vanquish Japan in the Second World War. It accurately suggests the feeling of mastery and superiority that is the hallmark of the wine-drunk. Wine-hoppers, thus, are conquistidors of chianti, ravagers of rose.

I digress. The point of this column is to provide tasting notes for some of the wines.

Eden Road Reisling

I thought this one was a bit small. I like a long finish but no such luck. Though the suggestion of mineral salt was enjoyable, I was ultimately left unsatisfied by this wine.

Eden Road Viognier

Smelling this wine was like having someone stuff apricots up your nose. A little too sweet for me.

Clonakilla Shiraz Viognier (Shazzy V as known in select wine circles)

A hint of apricot and tangerine with a big pepper and star anise hit in the middle. Too expensive.

Murrumbatemen Hotel XXXX beer.

Worse than VB.

Helm Reisling

By this stage I was concentrating on looking stable. Five stars.

My advice for a day of wine-hopping:

  1. Find a sober person to be your schmuck.
  2. Pretend to know what you’re talking about.
  3. Rip off a winery and get drunk for free.

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