Where to Bang on Campus

As SEXperts exclusively reveal to Cosmo readers every month, spicing up your relationship can make it SPICY and FIERY (while hopefully not inducing diarrhea). If your love life has mellowed from an extra hot beef vindaloo to a painfully mild butter chicken, it’s time to revisit the days of schoolies and pop a cruiser, or twelve, before engaging in some good ol’ public fornication.

ANU bar’s smoking section
With pleasant river views, omnipresent durry haze and a benign atmosphere induced by its close proximity to alcohol, the designated smoko spot at ANU bar creates a charming spot for couples looking to spice it up. Whether it’s a hack proselytizing about the Union Court redevelopment proposal to turn the Arts Centre into a massive pool filled with the demolished bar’s cider, or just Phil out on ciggie break, you can always count on an audience. Furthermore, there’s no need to worry about public obscenity charges. If the cops rock up, they’ll probably be more concerned by a very different kind of public blowing.

The Courtyard of Hancock Library
While the Hancock basement is well known as an alleged hook up spot, it is also known as being a totally wimpy place for adult intercourse. For the truly adventurous, why not try going at it in the much more spacious and well-lit courtyard? The spot provides the perfect setting for those with a love for the feel of hard concrete and a fetish for voyeurism, while the trickle of the weird bone fountain may just mask the sound of laughter/disgust potentially being heckled from the social section on level 3.

The Chancellery
While in 2014 the entrance to the Chancellery was the site of a read-in, 2016 could be the year to stage a BANG-in. Though back in the day Ian Young appeared little moved by student displays of willpower in the name of education, it could be worth questioning your partner’s performance if Brian Schmidt appears totally unmoved when he catches you in the act. The only downside to this option is that Schmidt may invoke your encounter to board members to justify scrapping all college dorm rooms.

Union Court lawns on a Thursday
If you’re going to fuck in Union Court, it might as well be on Thursday. For starters, people will barely notice due to the distraction of some super cute ANUSA petting zoo, where they can take pics of the adorable baby sheep, followed by the barbeque afterwards where they can tuck into a yummy lamb burger! So get down to it on the grassy lawns, and if you feel like a bit of modesty is required, grab a jacket from one of the stalls: it’s highly likely that the seller has priced them at an 800% mark-up so stealing in this case is highly justified!

PSA: Hitting up the Brian Kenyon Student Space for free condoms is highly recommended unless you want to fully integrate into the ACT community by contracting Chlamydia.

*The author fully accepts responsibility for any children born out of circumstances leading from these suggestions, and would suggest calling them names that are also fruits!