What Should Canberra Call Me, Maybe?

There is but one thing puzzling the entire populous of ANU at present: who the hell is writing WhatShouldCanberraCallMe? For those of you who lead productive lives outside of the internet, this is a blog with funny quotes and observations about life, particularly student life, in Canberra. It’s a blog that captures every feeling you’ve ever had about any Canberra-specific event or place with a hilarious mix of videos and pictures. It is updated daily, with new insults to UC students (we were all thinking it, anyway), new observations about your stereotypical mature-age student apparently being more knowledgeable on the relevant subject matter than everybody else (surely even lecturers agree with these) and even the occasional reference to the ever loveable and always hilarious Page sisters (I really did need that second beer).
The blog is so accurate, so incredibly candid, that it is both addictive and disarming. Consequently those of us who spend our lives discussing the blog’s contents (and who are obviously succeeding in our pursuit of academia…) have come to one conclusion: we must know the writer. He or she must be one of us. There is an enemy, a traitor, a Darth Vader among us. In the same way that Chuck, Blair and their cohort of carelessly beautiful friends do not know who Gossip Girl is, we ANU students have not been successful in our endeavour to discover the identity of the author of this revolutionary website. However, in some ways, it is the mysterious identity of the author that has added to the elusive nature of the blog, making it all the more addictive. It is a vicious cycle.
Personally I want to know who the author is for two main reasons: firstly, to congratulate them, and personally thank them for filling my life with newfound joy and entertainment, and secondly, to ask them how long it takes to think of these amusing observations and find relevant clips that are appropriate for capturing the desired feeling. Surely it is quite a large time commitment. That’s why it is both confusing and impressive that this author manages to know so much about specific Canberra/ANU places, events and people, and yet simultaneously spend a helluva lot of time creating this beautiful blog.
Despite the frustrating circumstances surrounding the identity of the author, nobody is complaining – browsing it certainly is preferable to listening to lectures, actually doing readings or participating in any form of group sport. In the days between new Suits episodes, and until the new season of Community returns, this is the ideal tool for procrastination, with the added ease of never having to leave the comfort of your bed. With classic observations about our daily lives, including specific references to people we all know and love, this is potentially the most addictive website since Facebook during any given hectic assessment period.

But I must ask myself – would the blog be as exciting, as hilarious and scandalous, if we were to know who the author was? If it did turn out to be my neighbour in first year, a friend from a tutorial, the guy who always eats Subway on the same days as me – would I feel betrayed? Would I feel like this person had dug too deep into my life? Would I feel like curling into the fetal position, drawing the curtains and hissing at any intruders? Perhaps. Perhaps. Indeed, maybe this person is so wise, so well-adjusted, so omniscient, that they foresaw the dangers of revealing their identity. Or maybe this person just foresaw the potential for a lawsuit. Either way, they’re too clever to be discovered.  So until they are, I promise to keep embarrassing my friends by linking them to inappropriately accurate examples of how I feel when they have sex loudly. You know who you are.