Vexatious Law Student Sues Tinder for Ruining Sex Life

Just two months prior to Tinder’s fast approaching third birthday, ANU law student, Ophelia Rass, has taken the creators of the dating application to Court in a class action suit alleging that Tinder has caused her to lose interest in ordinary sexual encounters, effectively rendering the 20 year old sexless. Amongst allegations that the creators have breached their duty of care re: shortening attention spans worldwide and proliferating the sexualisation of the youth, Rass is also challenging the legitimacy of the dating application on constitutional grounds based upon freedom of speech under sub-section (d) body language.

The young law student alleged that her addiction began as a harmless fascination with hot boys which prompted her to post exceedingly risqué pictures of herself to the point where the all-consuming and unconstrained revelry of bare flesh fried her motor neurons and ultimately led her to fail her administration law course (twice). Her friends and family expressed their deep concern for Rass’ well-being as she spiralled deeper into the clutches of promiscuity and an incurable obsession with dick pics.

Leading Canberra sexpert, Lydia Burnfield, made a submission in Court on Friday detailing the far-reaching effects of the dating application on the youth. “We have all become a nation of goldfish,” she said in the witness box, “My own attention span has drastically diminished, I have experienced a steep decline in my sexual satisfaction and a large percent of my clients feel that the age of meaningful relationships is truly over. Ophelia isn’t the only one who has had her life destroyed by this creation from hell.” It is clear the case will turn on whether the allegations were grounded upon sound evidence and not the vexatious claims spurred by Rass’ speculated rejection and insecurity.

Rass’ lawyer, Mr Drew Peacock, who has practiced in the area of cyber terrorism law for over two decades, commented on her condition in a candid interview outside ACT Law Courts. “Ophelia is a bright girl,” he said with a wry smile, “she never intended to get sucked into this cesspit of debauchery. These villains need to be stopped in their tracks before it’s too late. It’s my duty as a lawyer put these people in their place – behind bars!” Although Rass currently remains unavailable for questioning, some of her friends and family have spoken up about the true nature of her addicktion.

Former best friend, Lycra, said that the fascination had only become a problem after Rass was dumped by her boyfriend of two years. She explained that despite being in a relationship for so long, Rass was completely oblivious to the social nuances of online dating such as producing a slutty/10 #duckface #thoselips #nofilter profile picture. It was at this point of the interview Lycra shook her head and began to tear up.

After Tomic’s appalling behaviour in Miami, the tennis player spoke out about his own experience with the League, the elitist version of Tinder, and its connection to the trashing of his hotel room. “I didn’t know how bad it was until it was too late. All I could think about was Dawn and how I had to have her. I read our conversations over and over again. It sounds crazy, but modern day relationships have changed so much.” It has since been rumoured he will attend the same rehabilitation program as Sheen.

Ms Rass has bravely obliged to stand as the face of the (Anti)Social Media campaign in an attempt to shed light on the deleterious implications of online dating.

The Woroni team will follow up shortly on this story.