Upstanding Citizen

A new internet craze appeared this week, sitting down to pee. That’s right, men all over the world are uploading photos of themselves joining the “sitting” craze. “It just makes me feel so alive,” said Oliver Auerberg. Proud “sitter” Auerberg continues: “I never understood why I hadn’t done it before.” For Peter Hemsley, leading gynaecologist at the Royal North Shore, it was all about comfort. “At first, I couldn’t believe how comfortable sitting down was… Why should I spend thousands of dollars on high-end couches so I can avail myself of the misery of standing only to go and stand up when I pee? It’s ridiculous.”

Urinary advocacy groups have hailed the transition as “revolutionary”. Peter Gumfrey of Free Yellow Spirit comments that “for far too long, men everywhere in the world have been ridiculed for opting to utilise the seat. Those of us who rebelled, did so in utter secrecy for fear of all the bantz we would receive from the boys. No more shall our masculinity be put into question when we choose to sit.”

However, health groups warn of the unintended consequences of this new method of bladder disposal. “For millions of years, human males have been standing up to relieve themselves, we cannot predict what can happen if they start sitting down. There is just no research to suggest that this is natural or healthy!” writes Emma Thompson of the World Health Organization. Her main concern is that “just like slouching, this new ‘craze’ could soon become the new silent (and comfortable) killer”.

Men for the Advancement of Shitting, or MAS, stand in firm opposition of the sitting movement. “Sitting down to release one’s bowels is something we all enjoy. The peace and quiet while taking some time to ourselves is often the highlight of our day. This new “sitting” fad does nothing but dilute the enjoyment of taking a hard-earned break!”

The trend started after a video was posted on YouTube three weeks ago, filming a Queensland teenager running down the hall of his home, tripping, falling backwards onto the toilet and wetting himself, and exclaiming “What a relief!”. In the week that followed, more than 3000 similar videos were uploaded to YouTube, either being of legitimate accidents or of staged “relievings”. Gradually, however, these videos devolved into videos of men just sitting down to pee, and not doing anything else of interest. This has grown into a truly remarkable trend with celebrities weighing in with their own experiences on the controversial issue. “Never has anything felt so good, or reminded me of how special I am and how blessed humanity is to have me,” tweeted an only-slightly-impressed-with-himself Kanye West. “HULK SIT”, tweeted Mark Ruffalo.

Beyond the MAS’s defence of the old ways, #SplatterShame has begun trending among men of a more upstanding demeanour. “I should not be ridiculed or outcast for my choice to stand and pee #SplatterShame” tweeted a disgruntled stander. We asked for an interview, but the only response we received was: “I can’t talk about it; I’m too ashamed.” While some women have appreciated the shift in men’s excretion habits, saying “the toilet seat is finally being left down”, other men have spoken out against these comments. “They are insensitive to the plight of a man who wishes to have control over how he pees. Nobody has ever tried to control women or the choices women make, so how could they possibly understand?” is just one example of the kind of remarks the sitting vs standing issue has inspired.

But what do you, the reader, think of the issue? We would love to hear from you so please email us at gofuckyourself@hardcorefactsmagazine.com.