University Advice from a 14 Year-Old-Girl

“The change starts with you”

“This too shall pass”

“It’ll all be over before you know it”

Blah Blah Blah…

So, based upon the generic “I hate exams” typical uni student attitude, my assumptions have come to the following: I’m guessing you’re probably collapsed on the lounge, currently procrastinating by reading this newspaper in the first place, you’re already becoming nothing more than an aimless malinger fighting for existence. I also assume you have recently become far too familiar with the ‘I’m trying to support and motivate you as best I can but your lack of enthusiasm and negativity is making it extremely difficult for me’ cliché, crappy motivational statements that have probably been recited to you repeatedly for the past few week, by your parents or supportive friends.

Fear not, for there is another approach to help ease the stress of your exam period.

Fuck your life, this is how it ends. Like, honestly this is going to go for a whole 2-3 weeks you seriously may as well just go and die because this is just causing you so much pain and oh, by the way, Uni is pointless and will get you nowhere in life.

I reckon just drop out and, oh jobs, who needs those, quit them. What even is an income? Drugs are good, get some of them and I’m sure the life of a middle-aged bearded hobo with few possessions but his ever so precious plastic bag full of random items would suit you more than your current life of a trying-not-to-flunk-this-class-like-last-time student. Oh, and most importantly, I hope you like the taste of cocaine because that is your future if you don’t get back to it xoxo

How do your exams sound now?

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