President Donald J Trump today applied for a Medicare card amid growing concerns that the United States healthcare system is headed for imminent collapse, a source close to the Australian Minister for Health has confirmed. Amid the failure of Senate Republicans to agree on a replacement for the bill known as ‘Obamacare’, Trump reportedly received legal advice that universal healthcare was not considered a ludicrous idea by the Australian public, prompting the move.
Traditionally, Medicare cards are only available to Australian citizens or residents, yet considering the importance of the Australia-U.S. alliance for national security, the Turnbull Government approved the application. ‘We’re willing to let this one slide,’ Foreign Minister Julie Bishop told Woroni, adding, ‘Besides, at this point, it’s only him and the 2,500 marines in Darwin standing between us and a full-blown Chinese invasion of the Australian mainland.’
House Majority Leader Paul Ryan – better known as Eagle Scout First Class on weekends – was seen drinking an alcoholic beverage as the news broke. ‘Looks like St. Paddy’s day came twice this year,’ Ryan told Woroni before taking a sip from a terribly poured pint of Guinness. Meanwhile, Senate Majority Leader and world-class negotiator Mitch McConnell is reportedly undertaking strictly closed-door meetings with the Australian Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade to see whether the same deal could be struck for the McConnell family.
Rumours of a mass-exodus of Republicans from Washington D.C. have been circling for months now. ‘I’m out of ideas,’ Senator Ted Cruz told Woroni, ‘Unless anyone else wants another government shutdown?’ Despite the latest nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office Report – which indicated that approximately 350 million Americans would lose insurance coverage if all Republicans in Congress flee the country in pursuit of adequate health care – Mitch McConnell told Woroni that ‘Nothing is off the table.’
Meanwhile, tweeting from the Oval Office, the 45th President sought to cast doubt on the accusations, writing ‘Australia is FAKE NEWS.’ Unfortunately for the President, it appears he had accidentally tweeted the Medicare card application earlier that morning. Nevertheless, Fox News came to the President’s defence. For some reason.
More to come.