The Post-Acne Revelation

To all zit faces, I feel your pain. We are the offspring of Darwinism gone wrong, or as I like to call it “Darwin-is-vain” – how did you miss that one out you Big Zit! While there is plenty of research on acne and its negative psychological impacts on the individual in an appearance-focused society – the findings are very bad, like psychopath bad – there’s hardly a line published about the positive aspects of this hormone-related skin condition.

It’s a sad truth that any attempt at positivity in this raging battle against Propionibacterium acnes is a step closer to a suicide note. But, there are in fact many long-term perks to having an acne-strewed face/body. For starters and future reference, we can always proudly hand out an old photo of an acned-we to a person who has just called us “ugly”, and correctly point out to him/her in a triumphant voice, “now that’s ugly”. But why settle for a small triumph? Read on for more positive excerpts from The Post-Acne Revelation.

Acne makes us strong. Our mental health becomes tougher, such that our iron will creates a shield against the imagined radioactivity emitted by the alpha population.Our physical health becomes stronger, as so many acne scars and the attendant fibrosis covering the acne-prone zones make our facial skin practically impenetrable – think, The Hulk.

Acne makes us responsible. On the one hand, being self-conscious leads to wrist cutting, but on the other hand it’s a flashing orange light warning us to take responsibility for our own appearance. In growing up with this awareness, acne veterans are more likely to dress up, exercise, eat healthily and commit to rigorous skincare than are the oblivious pretty faces. Most of these people wear sheepish Ugg boots and only wash during eclipses anyway.

Acne makes us resilient. As any acne survivor will tell, living with acne is kind of like being in a marriage. You fight and stall, smooth over and breakout, then you divorce and it’s all over, YAY: until you meet up again, have a one-night stand, and end up with a volcanic landscape. The battle against pimples is a long and expensive process – Very much like a separation settlement in court, it requires determination, perseverance and a good divorce attorney. In our case we like to hire Benzoyl Peroxide, a charming fellow who gets under Propionibacterium acnes’s skin.

Acne makes us wise and successful. Since normal social activities are cut down for diseased people, the eruption allows us to spurt in a more productive, albeit “shaded”, direction. We practice makeup covering to a professional level and hide our faces behind computer screens. Thus, an accidentally geeky idea can grow into a blockbuster corporation – Mark Zuckerberg was literally covered in zits.

 Acne makes us better human beings, on the inside. After being apathetic for so long, we develop overt kindness, sympathy and empathy for fellow sufferers of acne and cancer, for people with missing limbs and for harpooned whales, towards ladies with erectile dysfunctional boyfriends and finally towards the lactose intolerants, the bullied geeks, the Greeks, and Lindsay Lohan; you name it “We feel your pain, sister”.

 Acne makes us fashion-conscious. To distract the gaze of friends from our unsightly exterior during conversations, we wear flashier clothes, ditch the “my eyes are up here” nonsense and silently thank friends for talking to our breast. This taste for fashion will progress with us way past zit prime time. In other words, acne victims have a head start in the world of dress-to-impress.

Acne makes us appreciate Taylor Swift. Before acne raped our faces, most of us listened to Justin Bieber; but suddenly puberty hit us spot on the T-zone, and no longer could we connect to this “baby” face. Our acne attacks lead to a drastic change in musical taste, leaning towards the “rolling in the deep” end of the spectrum of popular songs; this is when Taylor Swift comes into our miserable lives. Taylor Swift churns out songs about breakouts…breakups, whatever, at the same rate our faces pumps out whiteheads; her songs are really depressing, and she totally gets to us.

The Post-Acne Revelation is a revolutionary guide to improved self-esteem. It is brought to you by Dr. Estéem Launder, head scientist of the immensely profitable research facility Proxy & Gambler®, a multi-awarded* leader in the fight against the pizza-face syndrome, Propionibacterium acnes. The complete Post-Acne Revelation is available exclusively in print and e-form through Amazon and on the shelves of the L’OL-it’s-réal® section at your local supermarket – Zit Zapper® sold separately.