Whatever your sexual orientation, ANU is home to a plethora of archetypes, if you will, of desirable males who you will encounter during your degree. Here is a small selection to get you started.

1.    The Barista

Possibly residing at Vivaldi’s, Degree or wherever else they serve coffee on campus, this crush is more likely ensconced in the dense, cool interiors of one of the dedicated student coffee haunts off campus. With slicked back long hair, a casual t-shirt and a excess of minimalist tattoos, this guy knows his cold brew from his varietal blends. His playful banter over your hilarious order of a skinny chai with soy will entice you back into his place of business again and again while your friends will quickly grow sick of your new found interest in single origin blends. But go to Harvest, The Cupping Rooms, 2 before 10, LSR or Mocan and you’ll see that you’re not alone in your worship. One drunken night you’ll stumble into him at Hippo, accidentally yell in his face coffee jargon he already knows and wake up feeling embarrassed the next day. Never fear, just move on to the next place. Keepcup with your number on it optional.

2.    The Sportsball Player

Whether he’s the permanent fixture on your college’s mens team for every Interhall sport or the cute personal trainer you know caught your eye on purpose last visit to ANU gym, eye candy is a natural part of the diverse mix of people at ANU. Whether you see him sauntering sweatily through Union Court on his way from his mad gains sesh at the gym or thrashing your college on South Oval, your interest in this crush is more David Attenborough than action, more looking than touching (unless you count that time in ANUSA gold coin Yoga when you accidentally touched hands while getting mats and smiled at each other awkwardly, which totally counts). You knew there was a reason you went to watch Interhall Sports.

3.    The Rake Impersonator

You don’t exactly know how on earth the same guy that you saw strawpedo-ing double blacks in Meche last night is a) still alive and b) sitting in your Law tute but here he is, looking a little worse for wear in yesterdays clothes. Your tutor, picking up on this, will scathingly ask his opinion on Turner vs. Smith and…what’s this? He’s done the readings? And the recommended readings?! There is no rule or reason to discern the stamina of this elite class of Law student as this one manages to balance 4 subjects, an internship at Clayton-Utz, a place on the rowing team and a permanent spot by the bar at Knightsbridge with effortless ease (although you strongly suspect he doesn’t sleep). Devlishly disheveled good looks and even more dangerous charm make this guy loved by many, hated by more and envied by the larger population of Law students. Fragile hearts steer clear; this guy has watched enough episodes of Boston Legal in his youth to form a personality similar to Sterling Archer. Don’t take him on in a debate unless you want a red face, which ironically is what most of the female population probably want from him.

4.    The Student Politician

Sitting in a dark corner of 2before10, a graveyard of espressos around him, firing away on his Macbook Pro, his face is set in the same “I’ll get the job done” stern expression that stares across from his posters in Union Court (and the front of Chifley. And all along the MCC. And the Law Building) is that delicious prospective Gen Rep/Treasurer/VP of ANUSA who’s been spamming your friend’s facebook walls for the past month. His ANUSA campaign slogan could be “Tone & Chris 4eva” for all you care, his commanding presence and designer shirts are drawing you in. This is a guy that gets the job done. He has drive. He has stamina. He will one day possibly have the key to the ANUSA office and maybe even a small travel expenses allowance.

These guys are sometimes a little too intimidating to approach initially, so just wait until that certain week in August, stroll on down to Union Court and you’ll have trouble getting them to leave you alone.

Sadly, with this crush’s schedule of commitments being more ridiculous than the amount of product in his hair, the closest most of his admirers will come to him is when you accidentally sit on his face. On his campaign leaflet that’s on your seat in MCC T1 that is.

5.    The Woroni Radio Jock

You’re studying with a friend one evening when they casually click on a podcast from Woroni Radio, telling you they want you show you some new song they played. You grit your teeth and resign your place in this folly to making snide remarks about the awkward silences and poor song choice that must occur on student radio and….hark? Is that an angel?!

Their look of horror as you throw yourself across the table to press your ear to their laptop keyboard is ok with you. You don’t care. You HAVE to hear those dulcet tones. Who is this guy? These guys? Are there more than one? There has to be. No one is that funny on their own. Before you know it, you’re one of those people who walk along listening to podcasts with a huge smile on your face while people give you sideways glances when you giggle along with the jokes.

Finally, your time comes. One night at Moose, your friend will take pity on you and direct you to the source of the voice that made love to your ears (in the non ‘gross-repressed-sexual-urges’ way) all those times.

Oh. Oh right. So, like his voice, he has a face for radio too. You can deal with that. You’re not shallow. You’re not…you’re turning around. You’re walking back to your friend with the triumphant smirk on her face. You always knew there was truth in the saying that you shouldn’t meet your heroes. Oh well, at least you’ll always have iTunes.