Step aside Biggest Loser because this secret is just revolutionary. Here’s how:
Step 1: Find someone with little experience in complex economics and barely disguised xenophobic beliefs. Make them your representative in the EU.
As counter-productive as it sounds, this step is absolutely imperative. This person will be able to #relate to the common people. Britain is sick of experts.
Step 2: Elect a somewhat progressive Conservative with a fetish for pigs.
Now this step is a little tricky as there will be strong opposition from a very vocal far right. BUT, you see, this is integral, as the far right will demand a buzzword referendum to “claim their country back”. Then, the (relatively) progressive leader will be forced to promise a referendum as part of his election campaign – despite understanding this may not be in the interests of the nation.
Step 3: Declare a referendum.
Alright, now you’ve set up all the right people in all the right places. The Act of Parliament required for a referendum is passed. Now it’s time to start your campaign.
Step 4: Start your campaign.
Find a catchy name! Make a lot of claims that cannot possibly eventuate with a successful Leave vote, appealing to nationalism and xenophobia. For example, rent a bus that says: “We send the EU £350million a week, let’s fund our NHS instead.” We here in Australia also understand promises around healthcare are great modes of leverage.
Step 5: Voting Time.
After a long and arduous campaign it’s time to let them vote.
Will people even Google what the EU is before they vote to Leave it? (No).
Will they vote at all? Implementing compulsory voting is absolutely not recommended under any circumstances, because why would you want all of the demos to express their will in a matter that concerns their future?
The brilliant thing is that at this point, all the hard work you need to do has been done. Let everybody else do the work to drop those pounds – certainly better than having Michelle Bridges constantly yelling at you, am I right?
Step 6: Success!
By a small margin (51.8% v. 48.2%) you’ve successfully managed to wipe of almost £2 trillion from global markets plus make those unwanted pounds weigh less! Congratulations!
This method may cause the following:
Voter regret, being forced to admit campaign lies, leadership instability, a 46% increase in racist attacks, leadership spill, contempt from continental Europeans, Nigel Farage parading his idiotic opinion in the EU despite knowing it must approve any future trade deal – thereby screwing you even further before ultimately stepping down because his work is done.
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