Sitting Down to Pee

A new internet craze appeared this week: sitting down to pee. That’s right; men all over the world are uploading photos of themselves joining in the “sitting” craze. “It just makes me feel so alive” Oliver Auerberg commented. A proud “sitter”, Auerberg continued, “I can’t understand why I’ve never done it before.” For Peter Hemsley, it was all about comfort. “At first, I couldn’t believe it was true. Why do I spend thousands of dollars on high-end couches to avoid the misery of having to stand, only to go and stand up when I pee. It’s ridiculous.”

Urinary advocacy groups have hailed the move as “revolutionary.” “For far too long, men everywhere have been ridiculed for opting to utilise the seat. Those of us who rebelled did so in utter secrecy, for fear of all the banter we would receive from the boys. No more shall our masculinity be put into question when we choose to sit.”

Health groups warn of the unintended consequences of this new method of bladder disposal. “Human males have been standing up to relieve themselves for millions of years; who knows what could happen if they start sitting down. There is just no research in this area,” writes Emma Thompson of the World Health Organization. “Just like slouching, this new ‘craze’ could soon become the new comfortable killer.”

Men for the Advancement of Shitting, or MAS, are against the whole thing. “Sitting down to release one’s bowls is something we all enjoy. The peace and quiet while taking some time to ourselves is often the highlight of our day. This new “sitting” [H1] fad does nothing but dilute the enjoyment of taking a hard-earned break.”

The trend started after a video posted on Youtube three weeks ago showed a Queensland teenager running down the hall of his home, tripping, falling backwards onto the toilet, wetting himself, and exclaiming “What a relief!” In the week that followed more than 3000 similar videos were uploaded, being either of legitimate accidents or of staged “relievings”. Gradually however these videos devolved into videos of men just sitting down to pee and not doing anything else of interest. This has grown into a truly remarkable trend, with celebrities weighing in with their experiences. “Never has anything felt so good, or reminded me so much of how special I am and how blessed humanity is to have me”, tweeted an only-slightly-impressed-with-himself Kanye West. “HULK SIT!” exclaimed Mark Ruffalo.

Beyond the MAS’s defense of the old ways, #SplatterShame has begun trending among men of a more upstanding demeanor. “I should not be ridiculed or outcast for my choice to stand and pee #SplatterShame”, tweeted a disgruntled man. We asked for an interview, but the only response we received was “I can’t talk about it; I’m too ashamed.” While some women have appreciated the shift in men’s excretion habits, claiming that “the toilet seat is finally being left down,” other men have spoken out against these comments. “They are insensitive to the plight of a man who wishes to have control over how he pees. Nobody has ever tried to control women or the choices women make, so how could they possibly understand?”

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