She’s Lost Control

(trigger warning: suicide, suicidal thoughts)

Life is a struggle. I don’t say or admit to that sentence as much as I should. As someone who has been diagnosed with anxiety, and is currently in the process of a depression diagnosis, most of my university life has been characterised by these feelings and understanding them has been a difficult process.

This means that even though I find life confusing and nonsensical I have found solace in a source that was unexpected. In my role as a radio DJ I have listened and continue to listen to lots of music. The lyrics and moods of these songs often lend a voice for when I feel voiceless.

Many know me as a talkative individual, which is why I have always found it embarrassing when I lack the language to express how I feel. In all honesty if I had not found my words in song I would have lacked the ability to get help.

So many problems
Pent up in here
Left alone I’m with
The one I most fear

Contrary to popular culture it was a nice sunny morning when I told my mother I wanted to die. It was the sort of confession that had been held back for many months. I think she was surprised that I had told her.

I need someone a person to talk to
Someone who care, to love
Could it be you?
Could it be you?

Getting help for what was going on inside my head has been a challenge. At the end of first year I was finally able to admit there was a problem. Spending hours crying tears after tears, and having a severe case of missing out syndrome yet I was still unable to articulate what was going on.

I don’t know why sometimes I get frightened.

I’ve always had problems and suffered bullying in school and in university as a result of my mental health. It seems that people can just pick us out of a crowd, use us as punching bags and manage to get away with it. I spent years thinking I was inadequate in everything I did, I still think like this.

They’ll hurt me bad but I won’t mind
They’ll hurt me bad they do it all the time.

Recently I went to Turkey. It was one of the most stressful experiences of my life. I went with the most wonderful people, but I spent much of my time hiding in corners and crying. I’m scared of being able to deal with the future, the present and the past.

Confusion in her eyes says it all
She’s lost control

It’s weird how mental health can affect you. I can be at a party, talking and socialising and yet I feel the entire experience isolating. Even hanging out with my friends, still feels alienating.

I’m ashamed of the things I’ve been put through
I’m ashamed of the person I am.

I always wear fashionable clothes and put on makeup. It sort of makes everything more complicated because when you look so well together on the outside people find it hard to believe what is happening on the inside is real.

She’s so dumb
Rip her to shreds.

I haven’t taken out my garbage in over three weeks, my recycling bin is overflowing and my room is unbearably messy.

Emptiness is loneliness
And loneliness is cleanliness
And cleanliness is godliness
And god is empty just like me

Sometimes I like having a label, the word anxiety helps to categorise me. It’s forever part of my identity.

Intoxicated by the madness
I’m in love with my sadness

And then there’s the insomnia.

What do I get?
I only get sleepless nights.

Sometimes I want to give up. Everything begins to become too much for me and too worrisome.

Don’t feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go

But there are people out there who really care. I appreciate that care, it gets me through.

When you going to make up your mind?
When you going to love you as much as I do?

And even through all this I still feel sad, and scared and in a permanent state of flux.

All I could do, all I could was cry.

But it’s going to be okay. I finally found my voice and I’m speaking out.