Mental Health is supposedly no longer an abstract topic. Rather, the teeming urgency of mental health concerns has gradually gained much popularity and recognition. Yet, it would take no genius to see that we make weak assertions and perhaps only fool ourselves in alleging that we understand the telltale signs of mental illness. Here’s your daily dose of reality – we don’t.
We cannot endorse this any further. Society’s warped and under-detailed perception of mental health is, very simply, ridiculous and damaging. Therefore, since so very trivial a matter it is, I shall proceed to very effortlessly pluck the solution out of thin air. Lack of Mental Health awareness shall no longer be a problem, for we will be administering a system that will foster un-ambiguity and promote efficient identification of mental-illness.
The Systeme Internationale el Nomenclature (SIN), immaculately accomplishes the differential labelling of degenerates (a.k.a mental health victims, as the term very clearly suggests). Intricately devised to record the persistence of mental illness, the Systeme v2.0 broadens accessibility with its no-bounds-allexceptions feature. A complete step-up from the ridiculously private v1.0, the updated version will now allow for a comprehensive insight to people’s well-being – and there is no catch! Simply indulge in the convenience of knowing everything that unsparingly jeopardizes the mental welfare of your bus-driver, neighbour, boyfriend or child. Awareness, like never before.
The functioning of the Systeme v2.0 heavily relies on the compliance of health-care practitioners and psychologists, whose data is tunnelled into the Systeme v2.0 database. Following the Awareness-Above-All Conference (AAA) in March 2018, SIN has successfully achieved unlimited access to all Healthcare data. The live data transfer process is efficient since no time is wasted gaining unnecessary patient consent.
Truly flawless, SIN transcends its purpose and demonstrates uncanny applicability. Once identified as mentally-ill, the concerned person is given the title, puppet. This is definitely not an analogue for the term, pawn, and any correlation is merely coincidental. The Systeme v2.0 does not endorse manipulation of people and ensures that release of personal information does not lead to misuse, in the eyes of the public. All discrete misuse shall only take place in the background, unregulated as usual since bureaucratic departments are already accustomed to doing so.
A person’s SIN profile shall be accessed via barcode imprinting. The imprinting will be done at epidermal level of the skin, around the right-hand inner-wrist region. It is mandatory. Children and those contracting side-effects, allergies or anaphylaxis, shall resort to relief-medication. In this manner, the approach creates research opportunities in pharmaceutics and will benefit the economy due to demand for medications. Our extensive data enables us to confidently calculate the risk for allergic reaction to major prescribed medicines; the current value stands at 70-95 percent risk of allergies. The administration of the Systeme v2.0 will benefit the economy to an extent never seen before.
Each barcode is individualised and can be scanned and accessed by a free mobile-phone app, taking awareness to the next level. The SIN profile categorises people as either normal (N), or among one of the 6 distinct mental-illness classes: Depression (D), Anxiety (A), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD), Learning Disability (LD) and Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The Systeme v2.0 does not validate any other mental illness. For anyone who supposedly has an illness not listed above, we shall proceed to blatantly impose a label (defined by the system) upon such exceptional cases.
Before launching the Systeme v2.0, we conducted an unbiased, randomised trial consisting of 5 wealthy men with no mental illnesses. One of the five suggested that the mandatory nature of the imprinting was a little intimidating. We have hence enhanced the system to allow Label Removal, provided certain terms and conditions are met:
1. You can have your label removed by paying a processing fee of $2000 multiplied by the inverse of the amount of tax you pay, under Australian Fair Work guidelines.
– If you have done the math, this means that the richer you are, the less you pay for removal and the poorer you are, the more it costs. This is not a randomised calculation; rather a product of a research outcome. An unbiased, random trial consisting 2 low-income men showed that their mental-illness diagnosis was 100 percent accurate. By allowing easy Label Removal for the poor, we cannot risk low-income, mentally-ill people running around, un-labelled.
2. If you do not pay any tax, you are not eligible for Label Removal.
3. High-achieving students may be eligible for scholarships that will help remove undesired labels. It is forecasted that these students will not have any mental health concerns in the first place because High-achievers have no problems.
4. Women and girls, people of colour, and non-English speakers are not eligible for Label Removal.
We look forward to a future that is not plagued with the unsolved issue of mental health. For more information or claims, do not contact us
We acknowledge the Ngunnawal and Ngambri people, who are the Traditional Custodians of the land on which Woroni, Woroni Radio and Woroni TV are created, edited, published, printed and distributed. We pay our respects to Elders past and present and emerging. We acknowledge that the name Woroni was taken from the Wadi Wadi Nation without permission, and we are striving to do better for future reconciliation.