It was a dinner date that finally brought me back to the Hetero.
My dark tendencies had serious repercussions for my date’s reliance on established gender roles. Mentioning that I’d dated women was misguided and unkind. He had every right to feel rattled and ask whether “somebody played the man” in my lesbian relationships. His fear that I wasn’t impressed with his sculpted pecs and vast income finally showed me why the Gay Agenda had gotten it all wrong.

How had I fallen off the straight and narrow? The first nineteen years of my life were comfortably heterosexual. Alas, ‘your focus determines your sexuality’. I take full responsibility for descending into a quagmire of sexual self-doubt and perversion.

In my second year at a Melbournian college I had met a fresher. She was gay; I was straight. There was no flirting because we were just being friendly and flirtation is a sacred institution between a man and a woman.

We found each other on the dance floor of the college ball. My hand brushed her waist. We kissed, ignoring the cat calls of spray-tanned young liberals stumbling drunkenly around the Docklands venue. Afterwards, I felt guilty and strangely confused. Perhaps my Hetero subconscious was telling me to stamp out the homoerotic fire that this saucy lesbian had ignited.

I can best describe my ensuing inner crisis as the Sexuality Wars: episodes I, II, III, IV and V.

Episode I: The Phantom Agenda
‘I’ve got a bad feeling about this.’
One day while shopping online for lingerie I got… distracted. I’d moved cities but the phantom-like Agenda had clearly not finished with me.

Episode II: The Identity Wars
‘Your feelings can deceive you. Don’t trust them.’
My parents scoffed when I came out. Resentful and angry I ploughed into queer terrains alongside bi-curious, bi-flexible and bisexual companions. We battled against the voice of the Hetero telling us that we were forsaking our true identity, that we were doing it for attention, that we were just horny and desperate. I waged war on claims that my bisexual identity made me game for anything and anybody, any day at any time.
I should have just listened to the Hetero.

Episode III: Revenge of the Queer
‘It’s a trap!’
On fiery planet of Taiwan a sophisticated, Audi-driving secretary took me on the best dates of my life. The Queer is insidious: the better it feels, the worse the odds of salvation become. I kissed a girl on Unigames, one of the galaxy’s strongest Hetero planets. Five guys immediately came to our rescue, surrounding and grinding into us, pushing our faces together and then pulling us apart so we could make out with them instead. Fighting the Queer* Agenda can require drastic action.

Episode IV: A New Hoe
‘Close your eyes. Feel it. Heteronormativity… it’s always been there. It will guide you.’
Nu bf nu me! Did this mean that I was straight after all? Had it been a phase all along? The Hetero beckoned me back into its cis-gendered arms. But trouble loomed on the horizon in the form of queer threesome dreams…

Episode V: The Agenda Strikes Back
‘That’s not how the Hetero works!’
The Threesome Dreams were too powerful. I succumbed and secured my place in Hetero Hell. I dated another girl. As we made out at a gig we saw a lad started filming us. Guys outside asked us to hook up in front of them. The Hetero dictated that sapphic displays should service male pleasure alone, but in our depravity we gave it the finger.

Episode VI: Return of the Hetero?
‘Don’t underestimate the Hetero.’
What will the sixth episode hold? Let it be a heterosexual man-god with a gym-hardened body who will give me 2.5 children and a white Toyota Tarago.
Only with the help of a Hetero knight can I hope to convert my gay and bisexual friends to the cause. Dear Straight Cis Man and Future Husband, I need your help. Let’s fight the Gay Agenda together. BYO white picket fence.