We all know drugs are bad. They’re the root of millions of individual’s problems, as well as being the sufferer of a broad array of social stigma; heroin addicts are on the dole, pot heads are only good for testing the duration at which the human body can remain stationary on a couch and your local eccy ferrit will always be the one guy at a party who has no perception of personal space. However, drugs are not the only things we perceive as bad in our rather privileged microcosm.

Like so many things – your lecturer,  – there is a positive side to a negative first impression, and that is where the other side of drugs needs to be considered. Despite the fact that your grandma is probably never going to buy you a crack pipe as a birthday present, there are certainly some avenues of drug use that we shouldn’t accept blindly as being negative.

For this not infrequent practitioner of the carnal arts, drug use has, at times, acted as an avenue to a new realm of intimacy. But why and how, you might ask, do these situations arise? I’m not suggesting that to spice up your sex life you start shooting up* in the backroom whilst your partner freshens up, or even have a bump* to get you through date night.

For those of you, however, who wish to enjoy the occasional recreational experience of an illicit variety, knowledge is power and thus, here is one students guide to banging on blow, humping on heroin and, most commonly, the horizontal jagermeister fuelled tango.

As a quick disclaimer, this author neither condones drug use nor encourages it. It is a personal choice and these musings are merely an amalgamation of anecdotal evidence. Be safe, be smart, but for the love of your respective higher power (mine is Nicholas Cage) – don’t be boring.

 

ALCOHOL

So lets start the evening slow.

You’ve had a few drinks and you and your partner are exploring one another’s more sensual sides, whether the location is a dimly lit lounge room, with nothing but 2 empty bottles of fine pinot noir and a jar of home made massage oil on the table or whomevers room is closest when the college bar shuts and you realise standing isn’t going to be an option for much longer.

The most common and the most legal of the intoxicants we will be describing this evening is also one of the least complimentary to any form of lovemaking.

Whilst we may be a generation of drinkers, this has not made us a generation of proficient lovers. Like many skill sets, alcohol does not aid the more subtle nuances of sexual exploration.

But let’s get to the nitty gritty. Why, if something doesn’t help the act, do we include in the performance at all? Just as a poorly lit community hall is the best place to see amateaur theatre, the less we see, the fewer faults we might concern ourselves with. Alcohol is a depressant; it numbs the senses, lowers inhibitions and for the truly inebriated, paints upstairs Moose as your ‘Fair Verona’.

It cuts through the insecurities, whilst also cutting through the common sense. In small doses, it can offer you the confidence to approach the fittie you’ve seen in your contracts tute, shyly smiling all term.

However, when you cross the line – and rarely do you notice that you have – it will contort your witty banter into a slurred mess of barely intelligible vowels. If your respective partner also speaks this dialect then you are in for a night of awkward repositioning as you slowly admit to yourself that maybe 12 pints wasn’t quite the aphrodisiac you had hoped for.

If you want to be the cassanova then deep down you’ll know you should keep the drinks to a minimum and encourage your partner to do the same. Sex is about mutual enjoyment and experience; set the mood make yourselves comfortable and regretfully, put away the tequila.

The Setting: Wherever you choose to imbibe.

The Duration: About as long as you can stay awake before falling asleep atop your unimpressed partner.

The Relationship: More often than not, alcohol is the wingman of the one night stand. Just remember no one likes be called ‘hey you’ the morning after.

 

MDMA

When considering drugs in our modern culture, first and foremost we need to understand we live in a country largely isolated from independent narcotics production. We get the majority of our drugs from international producers and pay a premium for a lesser product, so when speaking about the second most common illegal, non-pharmaceutical narcotic in our island nation – Ecstasy – we are talking almost exclusively of MDMA, the psychoactive ingredient our little happy pills.

So why would you have sex after taking ecstasy, some of you might ask, Well to put it simply – its amazing. Often labeled as a club drug, more and more people are taking ‘Molly’ for the stimulating effect it can offer to all situations. Ecstasy increases the sensation of touch, relieves ego, fear and anxiety and creates a sense of loving euphoria, although this can often result in finding your best friend hugging a lamppost at 4am because “it just feels so good.”

When two parties use ecstasy for its sexually stimulating and euphoria inducing affects, it can make every breath softly brushing past you a wave of pleasure.

The Setting: Somewhere calm you know and feel comfortable, big distractions can be the end of your night of wonder.

The Duration: 3-5 hours and, if you are well hydrated, you and your partner can last just as long.

The Relationship: Someone adventurous but close to you, this level of intimacy is not for the faint hearted; it’s an experience.

 

MAGIC MUSHROOMS

Magic mushrooms have been a prevalent hallucinogen for thousands of years. With over a 180 species of mushrooms containing psilocybe – the active hallucinogenic agent – choosing a mushroom is nearly as hard as selecting what variety of glowing, ribbed, pleasure inducing, fuel saving, solar powered, guava flavored condom you will be using.

Although there are several species of mushies that contain the active ingredient, picking them is far from a ‘first timers’ activity as many other species can also cause life threatening poisoning; much, much less of a mood setter. However, after acquiring your ‘natural love drug’, you and your partner might expect to take a couple of caps and be transported to your own personal Narnia, filled with a far more voyeuristic Mr. Tumnus.

Although the effects of Shrooms are well recorded, so is the difference in their affect on individuals, ranging from the changing of colour, sound, and your personally contorted reality, to a near life shattering encounter with a demoralising lampshade. For mushrooms, mood is everything. If you set the mood appropriately and maintain a positive mindset you can expect to enjoy feelings of insight into every facet of your sexual partners being, comparable only to that one guy in 1st year Philosophy who insisted he really understood what Nietzsche meant.

From there, the moans, shudders and thrusts of your partner can open a new doorway into your trips passage. Be careful to be responsive to your partner throughout the experience though, as a bad trip is something no one wants to go through; particularly your housemate as you charge through the living room naked, screaming that the gnomes have stolen your erection.

The Setting: Any sort of mud soaked festival, preferably in a tent

The Duration: 4-6 hours by the clock, but the time will pass infinitely more slowly as the trip sets in.

The Relationship: Pick someone you don’t mind seeing melt into a secondary form, or dispersing as a swarm of butterflies.

 

COCAINE

The most expensive of our listed narcotics, this grainy white powder is out of budget for many lifestyles, however, on the rare occasion that you find yourself rubbing elbows with a cocaine flush Patrick Bateman-esque kid at the bar of Meche, your evening is in for a rapid shift. Nose Candy is one of the few stimulants that causes an explicit increase in sexual arousal, so don’t be surprised if, as you have bump after bump, your fellow patrons begin to seem more and more attractive.

So as you grab your partners hand with extreme focus, and undress at a pace that would make the flash seem lazy you will notice your eagerness to please drastically increases to the pace of a 25 year old first timer. As with many stimulants, the growing rush can sometimes overwhelm the situation, so breath deep and remember there are different levels of intensity outside of harder, faster and harder again.

The Setting: Wherever your local well-suited drug dealer keeps his glass coffee table.

The Duration: As a rough guide; about a bump every 40 minutes – sufficient coital breaks.

The Relationship: Cocaine isn’t a soft drug nor should your partner be a meek individual.

 

KETAMINE

So we’ve gotten to the end of our guide, and suitably, we’ll finish on the least mobilizing of our illicit substances.

Ketamine is a tranquilizer and as, such more of a circumstantial sexual narcotic than one many would actively utilise. For those cumbersome occasions in which a heavy depressant is mixed with sexual intercourse, more often than not your performance will suit the drug. So to avoid restricting yourselves to merely enjoying one another’s stationary and concerning-ly unresponsive company, keep the dose light and the mood cheerful. Ketamine leaves you feeling like a marshmallow covered in a cloud so try your best to ensure the feeling is the only soft and motionless part of the affair.

The Setting: Somewhere calm and familiar, without any looming responsibilities.

The Duration: The total experience only lasts an hour or two, so make it count.

The Relationship: Someone you don’t mind being warm and fuzzy with.