I’ve had a few hair struggles as of late. I feel like when you’re in a serious relationship, you ignore the state of your body hair. I felt perfectly fine having a small Malaysian forest growing downstairs – without fear that my partner would care. It is only now, after breaking up, that I have realised the importance of serious bodily hair grooming. The dating scene has expectations of length and the status of the overall state of disrepair downstairs. I now experience significant body hair anxiety.

Everyday is now a struggle to find the balance between wannabe porn star and overt naturalist. The most important thing is to retain hair. Yes, nothing downstairs probably does make it bigger, but does it reflect you? You need a bit of lawn or coverage to show that you’re relaxed and real. The idea that ‘no hair is sexy’ is completely false. It’s weird. It makes you look like a pre-pubescent primary school student, as opposed to the cool sex-loving scholar that you are.

To my housemate’s absolute horror, I recently went beyond just genital fur and shaved my beard. For all those thinking about shaving their beard, please think carefully about what type of chin you have. I realised that I have no chin, and therefore, I require facial hair to give my awkward face any semblance of structure and attractiveness. My last bit of advice – grow hair anywhere you like; it looks cool.