In Defence of the Track Pants

Winter is coming. The cold is upon us. This means but one thing. Trackies. Yep, trackie-dacks, sweatpants, jogger bums, tragic trousers, exercise pants, sweats… whatever you call them; they are starting their slow annual takeover of campus. And this is scary.

You realise all those guys you thought were 10s are actually 2s, now that you’ve seen them in their winter get up of trackies and a hoodie. And I weep for all the first year girls. Oh nervous fresher girls, who would dress up for every lecture, tute and prac. There will be no more of that now that they are getting comfortable in their new environment and embracing the comfort of track pants instead of a pair of Bardot skinny jeans. Yep that guy has been wearing the same pair of Canterbury trackies for 2 weeks. And no, that girl definitely won’t be shaving as long as she’s wearing her comfy pants.

To the fashion elite, this is an outrage. The humble track pants symbolise everything they stand against. To those of us who are “on fleek”, trackies are just the first step in a winter cycle that spits you out the other end, fatter and hairier, stripping you of any pride in your personal image. The fashionistas walk past shaking their heads, in ironed chinos that are rolled up so you can see that they aren’t wearing any socks with those boaties. The hipsters reject the conformity of your dress sense to a society that is so heavily influenced by so-called premier sporting brands and major global corporations like Nike and Adidas mahn (they’d probs pronounce it “adeedis”).

And who can blame them? Trackies don’t really make much of a statement other than, “WOW! That dude played for the ACT when he was 15…probably in touch…for one away game in Albury.” But to all those naysayers, I say you need us trackie wearers! You need us like us like Goldilocks needs the Three Bears! Like peanut butter needs jelly! Like ANU Crushes needs a formal investigation into the legitimacy of most of their posts (something creepily fun about making someone think they’ve got an admirer, huh?). You see we make you look good, without us there would be no bad to compare yourself with.

Bonus No. 1: Skinny jean chafe is a real thing that does not happen to you when you’re wearing the oh-so-comfy track pants.
Bonus No.2: “Oh no! I spilt some coffee on myself! Don’t worry, the waterproof trackies don’t stain.” No one will be the wiser and you’ll smell great for weeks.
Bonus No.3: The track pant wearing community is a vibrant welcoming community accepting of all races, religions and backgrounds.

So basically, if you like being warm and comfy and you have little respect for your appearance put some trackie dacks on and join the revolution.