How to go on a first date according to the Internet

Wear makeup so it’s obvious you made an effort. However, don’t wear too much as this is tacky. Go easy on the fake tan. Look natural. But not too natural. Body hair should be 100% removed. However, try keep approximately 23% of your eyebrows.

Wear a pretty dress. Boys like pretty dresses. Though be careful it isn’t too short. Or tight. Don’t wear leopard print because he might have a childhood fear of large cats. Actually, wear jeans so you look casual and easy going. But with a nice blouse. Or a football jersey. Though only if it’s the right team. Don’t wear a push up bra. That’s “false advertising.”

Wear hoop earrings. Though be careful that they’re not too big as this is “slutty.” The horror. Don’t wear any chunky jewellery. And don’t wear too many bracelets. These are all “man-repellent.” Especially don’t wear any feathers because he might be scared of birds as well as cats and get freaked out. If you are going for a sexy hippy vibe the feathers are probably perfect though. Got it?

Wear flowery, girly perfume. This way you smell like a girl. As in, none of this gender neutral shit Calvin Klein you twats. Righto? However, sometimes it is better to wear guy’s deodorant instead of girl’s or perfume.

Don’t wear heels. He needs to gauge your height. Actually, do wear heels. Everyone knows this makes your legs longer and your booty look dayyuumm fine. It also makes it harder for you to run away from him. Hot.

Straighten your hair so he can imagine running his fingers through it. Make sure it’s shiny too. All boys like shiny things. Actually, lightly tousle it so you look like you just got out of bed. This way he will picture you in his bed. Woo. Be careful that it is still shiny though. And that there are no knots. Fingers still need to be able to be run through this hair. Or put it in braids as this will subtly awaken his Oktoberfest Beermaid fantasies.

Don’t say anything too intelligent. Don’t say anything too dumb either. Coolies?

Be mysterious. Always withhold 10%. Of what, I am not sure…. Still, withhold it like a champ! Though, also be 100% honest. Honesty is paramount.

Prove you are independent. Independence is sexy! However, be a tiny bit needy. He needs to feel needed. Offer to pay. However, let him if he insists. Be flexible. Guys like easy-going girls. Also be rigid. Have boundaries. Don’t be a pushover. But be a little bit vulnerable. It’s cute.

Be confident! But not too confident. Remember, assertive equals aggressive when you are a girl. He could think you are a “bitch.” Or “psycho.” Eeek.

Listen to him. Even if you think what he has to say is ridiculous. Or boring. Laugh at his jokes. Even if they’re about carrots and you’re silently all “THE FUCK? WHO MAKES JOKES ABOUT CARROTS?”

Don’t have sex on the first date. That will ensure he will never consider you as a “serious candidate.” Still, it doesn’t actually matter when you have sex with him because if he really likes you nothing will change that. So yeah, go ahead and have sex. Tonight. Use protection though. Accidental pregnancy is a turn off.

Show him you are interested with your “body language.” Flutter your eyelashes. Twirl your hair. Smile. Touch him on the arm. Giggle. Bang your knees against his. Repeat. Do none of these things too obviously or frequently lest you look desperate.

Let him kiss you. Even kiss him yourself. This shows you are confident and interested. Make sure it is a short kiss. But also get lost in this kiss. Use your tongue. Though not a lot. Actually don’t use your tongue at all. A kiss on the cheek will suffice thank you very much. Actually, definitely don’t kiss him. Ew.

Don’t text him afterwards. This is his job. Guys like the chase. If you reverse the chase he will instantly find you repulsive. Really. It’s like, biological.

Fuck it, just text him. Guys like a girl confident enough to make her own moves. Take your love life into your own hands you modern woman you. If he doesn’t dig it then it’s a reflection of him, not you. Douchebag.

Actually, if he is interested he will definitely text you within the hour. Or three days later. Or not at all. If he still hasn’t texted you it means he thinks you are ugly. Or crazy. Or he is madly in love with you and just super shy. Or busy. Sometimes if he texts you straight away it means he hates you but still wants to sleep with you.

Confused? Me too. Thanks a lot Google. You jerk.