HOROSCOPES

Are you a spiritual being on a human journey? Do you love Boho fashion? Did you go to India to “find yourself” on your gap yah? This segment is probably for you.

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AQUARIUS: Expect to run into an old friend today – just make sure you have third party car insurance and Mercury’s moon will have your back.

PISCES: Love is in the air for you Pisces. Don’t be scared to put yourself out there. Send that 4th un-responded text.

ARIES: The equilibrium of Europa places the sun in alignment with your sign this week. Now is the time for things to fall into place. Or out of place. This could really go either way for you. Good luck with that.

TAURUS: As Saturn’s 4th moon comes into alignment; now is the time to take a risk. You know how you always get butter chicken at that Indian place near your house because you’re too scared to try something new that you might end up not liking and losing $12? Take that risk this week. Spice up your life! Also, get a more interesting problem.

GEMINI: Jupiter’s anterior is in the lower quarter – now is the time to move on from the past. So shut the fuck up about your fucking gap year Liam.

CANCER: Still recovering from the heartbreak of Valentine’s Day, you and your cat will unsuccessfully attempt to patch things up after she chose your mum’s lap over yours.

LEO: As Mars completes its 18th revolution, now is the time for a good spring-cleaning. You should probably stop reusing dirty socks.

VIRGO: The stars predict humiliation for you this week when you start recommending Game of Thrones to people. Everyone’s been watching that show for years. Do you live under a rock? You truly do know nothing, Jon Snow

LIBRA: Don’t let Scorpio stifle your creative flair. If you really want to make a sculpture out of human toenails, you do you. You’re a #artist and not even your mum can stop you.

SCORPIO: Venus is reflecting off Saturn’s rings – if you work hard now things will fall in place. If you skip that 11am tute you can definitely finish that 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle by the end of the week.

SAGITTARIUS: Virgo will meet the love of their life next week. Which really sucks because you’re a Sagittarius and have no other friends.

CAPRICORN: You are likely to be involved in a car accident later this week. Blame it on the lack of service stations if you want, but really you should’ve just pulled the car over to pee.