She knows, in the bottom of her heart, that if she is not busy enough, if she is not occupied with her assignments, slides, theses and so on, she would be so sad she would cry. She cannot help feeling scared.
She is young and naïve, she hadn’t ventured into society before, and she had never been abandoned. She had imagined it though, read novels about it, and speculated how she would react. But imagination is never enough. In the past, she hid inside the shell of university, making do with books and theory. Her parents protected her too much. Growing up she lived inside a castle, closed off from the harsh world by narrow hallways.
But now she has been abandoned. She feels fear now, endless fear. Uncertainty. She feels insecure, skeptical, and wonders when the negativity will go away. She is afraid of being abandoned again, and yet she relishes in the chance to be alone. She cannot bear watching on as the guy who had been hers is now with some other girl. Her fear is extreme uncertainty.
The fear, her strong and gigantic enemy, is impacting her ability to study. Yet she knows if she stops she will be more miserable. She does not know how to deal with the fear, sorrow and depression that twist her heart. So she pretends they are not there, working on her endless mound of homework instead. She has few friends to talk with. She has come here from a foreign country and is introverted. To speak up would mean interrupting people who seem so busy with their assignments. She has tried watching comedies, but she ended up feeling guilty for not studying. She tried talking with her mum, but she has her own concerns to tackle. So she stays in the library, alone, yet surrounded by so many others.
Her only companion is the song she plays on repeat, “I am too scared to stop now; I am too scared to let go.”
The greatest fear is her fear of being herself. She doesn’t like herself, and refuses to let her true colours shine through. As a matter of fact, amusingly, she doesn’t even understand what her true colours are.
Her fear is unattractive, she knows this.
The dry lecture slides, complex formulas, confusing numbers and long theses are now her saviours –distractions from her unnecessary fear.
She still remembers what a psychologist once said to her, “When you are afraid that something will happen, one way to eliminate the fear is to create an opportunity to allow the event that you are scared of take place on purpose.”
Is this true? She fancies herself as having lived out this wisdom every day, but in reality, she doesn’t have the courage to face her fears. She is fearful of being herself, in case others abandon the real her. She didn’t realise that she would abandon herself first.
She now is writing her feelings here. She is happy to have found the strength to admit her fear in some small way. She feels brave for admitting the existence of her fear and sorrow. She has made the right decision.