Fast Food Banter Review 2k16: A comprehensive list that’s not at all just the places I visit on the reg

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Donut King
There’s always polite chitchat from the staff at DK, and its got that good fresh dough smell that one looks for in a donut shop. Then again, I’m not really worried about bants when I’m shoving 3 dank cinnamon donuts in my mouth for $2. I got the honeycomb lava quakeshake as well as the donut trio once, because I got cocky and thought I could handle it, but it kind of made me hate being alive.
Banter rating 8/10

Nando’s
King of the dine-in chain restaurant and the birthplace of banter. Cheeky. Hilarious. Infinite.
Banter rating 10/10

Oporto
Absolutely cracking bants all round, got that Nando’s tier vibe. The interiors leave a bit to be desired and that ever-present layer of grime on the floor is a bit ghastly, but thankfully, it does not detract from the Prego flavour fest.
Just gotta go.
Banter rating 9/10

Guzman y Gomez
Not sure who Guzman and/or Gomez are, but they seem like a cheeky duo, and as a rule I trust anyone who can rock a Tom Selleck moustache and not look like the kind of person being investigated for war crimes. I can’t decipher the menu (I don’t speak Spanish) or engage in solid banter with any of the staff, but I do love how they offer a bit of a pre-game cheeky Corona with which to wash down your quesadilla, because a diet Coke just does not numb the throbbing pain of a spicy jalapeno/your monotonous life quite as well.
Banter rating 7/10

Michel’s Patisserie
Definite potential for good banter at Michel’s, but nobody has really spent enough time in there to be sure. It’s got a bit of an “I’ll just duck in quickly and get a quiche Lorraine to bring to Donna’s baby shower” feel, and is the kind of place your grandmother would go and get a subpar cappuccino for $5.00 and think she’s getting a good deal. Great flans though.
Banter rating 6/10

Boost
Middle of the road bants. The general ambiance is quite pleasant, what the potted wheatgrass and whatnot. The staff clad in their Lorna Jane activewear also distracts you from the fact that what you’re essentially buying is a glorified milkshake. I take issue with the names of the drinks: “wango mango magic” and“green wondermelon storm squeeze”. It’s all a bit of a wankfest if I’m honest. Also, the filthy beats on the speakers are a bit much when you crawl in there at 9am after a bender the night before. Unrelated question: how many times does one have to listen to “Levels” by Avicii in a 24-hour period before being declared legally insane? Major kudos for the loyalty card system which “rewards” you if you hate yourself enough to visit more than 6 times a year.
Banter rating 5/10

Grill’d
Time to knock this glorified fast food joint off its pedestal for good. Yeah, it’s alright for if you just want a standard burger with your chums and a bit of light banter to tide you over until dinnertime but the overall atmosphere is a bit dire. What kind of sadist establishment has you order a burger that doesn’t have it automatically come with chips on the side?
Banter rating 4/10

Sumo Salad
A staple of Westfield food courts all across the nation. In theory, I rate the Japanese connection they’ve got going on, it makes the customer feel a bit quirky and cultured, but none of the salads have any kind of Asian flavour (apart from that Thai beef one which tastes a lot like a foot). It’s all a bit of a scam because we all know it’s not really that healthy (#5differentpastasalads), but the masses keep going back because technically it’s marginally better for you than a quarter pounder and soft serve from Maccas.
Banter rating 3/10

Gloria Jeans
Cannot articulate how average the vibe is in this banterless wasteland. Would go as far as to say it’s the poor man’s Starbucks but that’s bloody ironic seeing as not even a middle-income earner could afford these second-rate beverages. Proof that Satan lives among us and that the end of humanity is nigh.
Banter rating 1/10