Society always seems to be on the brink of revolution. Historically, the forefront of these movements has often been centred in the enthusiastic and idealistic visions of university students, eager to feel they have ignited real change. So how can ANU students create the momentum of their own revolution? Or a least a student discounted version?

Methods such as protesting, petition drafting and giving unsolicited lectures on ANU confessions are all within the arsenal of the average student. However, I propose a far more radical, cost effective and campus-wide revolution. The solution is simple: the fitting of revolving doors. Once installed, we can create countless revolutions per day.

Consider if one was tired of chivalry and the daily posturing of the patriarchy? Problem solved. There is nothing that screams gender equality more than a revolving door. No-one stands aside to let others pass. Everyone is equally confused about when is the right time to enter. Without the etiquette of male-dominated entrances, institutionalised sexism will be swiftly shown the door.

Anxious that our world could soon be depleted of natural resources and our atmosphere polluted with greenhouse gases? One could lobby endlessly for decisive political action. Alternatively, revolving doors immediately reduce the drafts and heat lost to the surroundings, lowering heating and cooling costs in buildings. These savings leave the University’s pockets full and keep your green guilt at bay! Not to mention the benefits to recycling. An old idea would simply take another turn, before being welcomed in as new.

The possibilities are endless. Removing straight-sliding doors in favour of the fluid motions of revolving doors  would surely confront homophobia. For minority groups discrimination would be ended. Glass ceilings could be recycled into glass doors, demolishing institutionalised barriers at every turn. Even on such issues as social distancing, revolving doors prevent unnecessary social interactions. Whatever revolution you would like to see, this multidimensional doorway can be spun to suit your cause!

I admit there may be doubts about the real change instigated by these mini-revolutions. You may ask whether this can really be described as progress rather than just spinning in meaningless circles. Has a self-congratulatory fervour left us too dizzy to see the core issue? Are we focusing on the finishings rather than reconstructing the foundations?

I see this as nonsense. Imagine how much more efficient the French Revolution would have been with revolving doors. Storming the Bastille would have been a breeze. As a bonus they could be used as a guillotine in a pinch. Think of the speed with which the Cultural Revolution could have taken place. Surely there’s nothing better to block the power and influence of older generations than a high velocity spinning door! Despite all this, there does lie an undeniable possibility that with these doors, like with any revolution, there’s every chance you might just end up right back where you started.

Think your name would look good in print? Woroni is always open for submissions. Email write@woroni.com.au with a pitch or draft. You can find more info on submitting here.