By Lewis Pope Melania Trump

We have so many problems in this university. And only one ticket can fix the problems. The system is rigged and Crooked Connolly and Corrupt Kay have no interest in fixing it! Only us.

We do have a tremendous, tremendous amount of problems, but only we have a plan for every problem.

Our first plan is The Wall. We have lost control of our borders. Weak leadership from President Goofy Ben Gill (is he even an ANU student? He should prove it with his enrolment certificate). We have huge amounts of Fenners and people of Fenner heritage flooding onto campus. Only we will build a wall around Fenner. A great, big, beautiful wall. And Fenner is going to pay for the wall! Now, we have nothing against Fenners, and quite frankly I think we’re going to win the Fenner vote. And it makes sense for them to pay for the wall. They are going to want to pay for it. And every time I hear a Fenner say they won’t, the wall just gets 10 feet higher. There is no way to get over the wall, because if you get up one side with a ladder, there is NO WAY DOWN the other side.

Our second plan is to temporarily suspend enrolment in the Tuckwell program. We have a huge problem right now that Crooked Connolly doesn’t want to face! Radical Tuckwells pose a tremendous threat to our university. Only we will keep you safe. That is why we need a total and complete shutdown on Tuckwells entering the university, so that we can figure out what the hell is going on! Once we figure that out, we can start to fix the problem.

We need to be tough on Tuckwells, we’re gonna bring back hazing, and a lot worse than hazing. What Goofy Gill is too weak to do we will do! We will haze Tuckwells’ families if need be! The Tuckwell are communicating via Wattle, but Gill won’t do anything. When we win, we are going to call up Brian Schmidt and get him to shut down Wattle!

We have so many, many more plans, that will Make ANU Great again. We’re gonna have lots of plans. Lots of plans.

Our candidates are the best candidates. We have such great, great people. We have great people you haven’t even heard of.

Our President is Mathias Richter. Mathias is in his 13th year* at the ANU. He has been so successful before getting into politics, but things have not been easy for him. He started out in Sydney. His father gave him a small loan of a million dollars, and from there, he invented the Richter scale, and the hardship forged him into the strong leader he is now. Everywhere he goes, people are demanding the good brand of Richter. It’s a household name. Everyone keeps coming up to him and thanking him. The Tuckwells have called us up and said, ‘Mr Richter, thank you, thank you, thank you. You’re finally tackling these problems.’ Because they see that we have so many problems, and he’s the only one that can fix them! His IQ is the highest and you all know it. Try not to feel sad or inadequate.

Mathias is going to provide strong, tough leadership. Gill and Connolly never condemn the radical actions of Tuckwells, and have been wasting SSAF-payers’ money! They say they’re tough, but real tough guys don’t need to say that they’re tough. You can tell that Gill and Connolly aren’t tough because of how much they say it! Mathias is a real tough guy.

We are planning to abolish all colleges other than CBE. All we need to do is learn how to make deals. People are sick of hearing from “experts”, so we’re gonna get regular people finally running the show and overthrow the rigged system.

Show that you support making ANU great again! Like our Facebook page, or send us your own small loan of a million dollars!

*month.