ANUSA Happenings

On someday or another this week, the ANU Student’s Association undertook to promulgate a preliminary announcement on, among other topics, the occurrence or non-occurrence of unspecified happenings within the organization. The President of the Students’ Association, who in all likelihood you neither know nor care about, claims that these alleged happenings involve a loophole in the Constitution that allows motions in OGMs to be raised in accordance with the Deputy Chair, if the Deputy Chair were the seconder of the first reading of something, we’re not sure what, having suddenly noticed for the first time the miracle of the very fact of the existence of the bright blue sky, and not hearing the remainder of the President’s statement.

Woroni was not able to gather much more than that, but it’s not like it matters anyway. Following this announcement, there was a meeting of the ANUSA Executive. An unnamed source reported that this meeting had almost full attendance, following as it did immediately after the meeting of the Acton chapter of Political Hacks Anonymous. The meeting was also notable for being remarkably laid-back and un-tedious, with only three casualties: two members of the Exec were carted out by ambulance following minor shouting-induced coronaries, and one innocent first-year bystander was unable to be revived from his coma after walking into the meeting by accident, thinking it was where his Intro Philosophy tute was being held. Being too embarrassed to get up and leave, he sat through the entirety of the proceedings. The first year, whom unnamed sources allege was called Jonathon during his tragically short conscious life, was only discovered after the meeting, when in the rush for the door his body was dislodged from its chair in the corner at the back of the room, allegedly making a loud hollow noise as it hit the floor. “It was like all the hope had been sucked out of him” claimed our unnamed source.

Despite Jonathon’s unfortunate hospitalisation, ANUSA’s meeting was proclaimed a success, as following it, ANUSA did a thing. Whilst it has been difficult to ascertain what this “thing” was exactly, it is beyond dispute that it was petty, minor and unlikely to interest anyone that had not long since drunk the Kool-Aid of student politics.