In an unprecedented series of events, ANU have released a press statement that they had in fact solved all the issues faced by students. The answer … a rigorous application of petting zoos.
Originally set up to appease stressed out law students, petting zoos have become an integral student service to ANUSA, PARSA, and other similarly illustrious organisations. Results have been so beneficial that ANUSA has confirmed that all of their student services will be replaced by a 24/7 petting zoo by mid-2016. Early negotiations have begun with ANU administration about the exact location of the permanent zoo, but Chifley Library has been shortlisted in an attempt to ease tensions between studious library-goers and those who spend their time napping.
Students have also reported that the move has contributed to more satisfying experiences on social media, with a 27% increase in profile picture likes reported across campus. Early reports indicate that ANU Stalkerspace has experienced a 53% increase in “being a safe space” and a significant decline in trigger-warning jokes, attacking feminism, and the presence of Libertarian hacks. Notorious Stalkerspace Administrators claim that this online positivity is due to the group reaching a consensus on the identity of petting-zoo animals that they were unable to attain with campus wildlife.
Concerns have been raised as to the accessibility of the program for students with pet allergies. However academic staff have suggested it was actually preferable knowing that the reason their students were turning up to tutorials red-eyed and dazed was simply due to cuddling fluffy kittens before class rather than the result of any extra-curricular activities. In order to appeal to these cretins with their overreacting immune systems, reptile petting zoos have been successfully employed featuring creatures such as snakes, turtles, and former ANUSA Presidents.
Overall it appears that the news has been embraced warmly by students. It is expected that the 2017 intake of new students will also increase dramatically, with the appeal of a ‘petting zoo guarantee’ far more appealing than that of accommodation, campus social life or quality tuition.