Please find below a compilation of survival kits and starter packs catered to the oodles of toils you’ll face in the final leg of 2017, as foreseen by the stars. Consult at your own discretion.

ARIES (MAR 21 – APR 19)

It’s nearing the end of semester, and your class attendance is slackening. As an accomplished role model, your week-12-blues are justifiably infuriating but you can’t seem to shake them off. Just this once, Jupiter suggests embracing your uncharacteristic idleness. Get yourself:

–       A friend who goes to class and unfailingly passes on annotations that were oh-so-conveniently left off of Powerpoint slides

–       Convincing routines to perform in front of your GP (SparkNotes doesn’t do screenshots of medical certificates)

–       3 days set aside for lecture catch-ups (ideally, you should really only allocate a 4-hour time slot)

TAURUS (APR 20 – MAY 20)

The waning of class turnouts doesn’t give you the warrant to decelerate even more. Your ‘it’s only due tomorrow’ mentality has amassed a swell of essays in need of completion within the upcoming turn of the moon. This calls for at least one all-nighter. Find easy access to:

–       Any food chain with HSPs on the menu

–       Containers full of leftover pasta, al-dente (al-dente because you weren’t patient when you last bulk-cooked)

–       Deliveroo on speed dial

GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUN 20)

Uni? STUDY?! Your cry of turmoil has not gone unheard by the heavens. Take some time out and cure your (all too frequent) case of burnt-out-itis. Why not focus your vacillating attentions on Halloween? Create an event on Facebook, and get your party outfit under way by taking inspiration from hit horror flick, “IT”. You will need:

–       1x red balloon

–       Face paint and a red nose (or just a pale friend’s foundation and a red biro)

–       A posse of children (you might need to source this off of campus)

CANCER (JUN 21 – JUL 22)

Having hit a lull in assessments, your super sensitive conduct brings you to a reflection on the year thus far. As inevitable as the planets’ orbit of the sun, you are guaranteed to feel as underachieving as a burger-flipping Arts student (special mention to all the Arts kids out there xx). But don’t be disheartened; you still have a few months left to seize! Cheer up, and source these in the meantime:

–       Tissues (the larger and thicker, the better)

–       A well-rounded playlist; equal parts mope-inducing, anger-emitting, and dance-party-prompting

–       Your mum (preferably in person, but on the other end of the phone at the very least)

LEO (JUL 23 – AUG 22)

It’s time to count your lucky stars, because an abundance of student-run clubs and societies are looking for new members to join up for 2018. As revealed by Neptune’s courses, the criteria are perfectly tailored to your contagious, can-do sense of conviction. To successfully apply now, procure the following:

–       A new email address that says ‘I am professional’ in place of ‘hot2trot’, ‘guinea_pigz_lover’, or ‘lilangel_xoxo’

–       An updated CV (they’re called idealistic and enthusiastically-fabricated assets, not lies)

–       Brounstein, Marty. Managing Teams for Dummies. Wiley Publications, 2002.

VIRGO (AUG 23 – SEP 22)

The more elaborate the preparation, the higher the grade, right? Look to Mercury’s guidance and follow your heart (and Google Maps) to Officeworks. It’s time to stock up on test materials. Include on your shopping list:

–       Exactly 19 dark blue or black ballpoint pens, just in case 18 stop working in writing time

–       Highlighters boasting every shade of Floriade’s colour spectrum (which you didn’t see for fear of aggravating your hypersensitivities to pollen)

–       5 spiral notebooks, a frog-shaped hole puncher, a set of embellished bulldog clips, and a fluffy pencil – all of which you don’t need, but will walk out with anyway

LIBRA (SEP 23 – OCT 22)

For supposedly diplomatic and sociable people, your ability to regularly meet up with acquaintances is only intermittent at best. Given the up-and-coming close of the semester, it is high time that you channel Venus’ rule and set overdue brunches into motion. Exercise your charm, and acquire these to help meet with others:

–       The iPhone 8, so that you’re up-to-date with both Apple releases and the people you’re contacting

–       A follow-through mentality whenever you say, ‘we should catch up!’

–       The Snapchat update that lets you track friends’ whereabouts

SCORPIO (OCT 23 – NOV 21)

Essay. Ess. S. Sti. Stinate. Crastinate. Procrastinate. The temporary dis-alignment of your planets indicates heightened levels of inactivity for you. Instead of fighting this dormancy by making empty vows to yourself promising the one thing you will not do (START!), embrace this lull in productivity and procrastinate like the pro that you are. Make sure you have:

–       A minimum of one other person’s Netflix password

–       An extensive selection of memes that capture your pain (and the hilarity of your situation as a living, breathing student) perfectly

–       A closed tab on Wattle, just so you can keep an eye on submission deadlines if need be

SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22 – DEC 21)

Finishing off those little, niggling assessments will be challenging, especially in light of the bigger picture: holidays. Your moon is in Saturn, which suggests that you’re putting things off because you’re in need of a change in environment. Make the trek to Chifley, and smash out everything that needs smashing out overnight. Before you go, get your hands on:

–       A sleeping bag (for Chifley)

–       A tent (just in case you never make it to Chifley)

–       Flares (just in case you end up outside of the ACT on your way to Chifley – thank you, campus re-vamp)

 

CAPRICORN (DEC 22 – JAN 19)

Quizzes? Essays? Exams? Please. You’ve completed everything from internship lock-ins to laundry loads and groceries. Your impeccable organisational skills have amounted to a head start; preparations for 2018 are under way, and it’s only… October?  Mars suggests slowing down and taking the time to cherish the here and now. Grab a hold of the following:

–       Stress balls/meditative playlists/acupuncture appointments

–       All-expenses-paid flights for a beach vacay at least 4 hours away (Perth doesn’t count – leave the country)

–       A slap in the face

 

AQUARIUS (JAN 20 – FEB 18)

It’s week such-and-such, you’ve got countless assessments due, the remnants of your winter flu are still up in your grill, and your UniDays promotion codes aren’t registering on ASOS. Nevertheless, you can’t help but look to the stars and count the days before Christmas! Pluto’s progressions predict a spike in too-keen festive preppers this year, so it’s good that you’re getting an early wriggle on. Be sure to get:

–       A super breathable, moisture-wicking Santa hat

–       Perfected recipes for prawn marinade (ready for the barbie) and mince pies

–       Either Michael Bublé or Mariah Carey on replay

PISCES (FEB 19 – MAR 20)

And just what do you think you’re doing at UniPub it’s closed for refurbishments until further notice