69th Planet Discovered by Russian Scientists

I dreamt I was an astronaut, floating above the Earth like a delicious marshmallow puff. How peaceful it was with the green and blue speckled planet I called home beneath me, the roaring sound of wind turbines finally out of hearing range. I glimpsed Sputnik and he winked at me. Then a sharp smack! My zipper rolled down. Oh gosh, how embarrassing! Not in outer space again! There was a low hiss as my suit began to deflate and I flailed helplessly, voiceless screams, suspended in the dark, lonely vacuum that was space. Then the gravity cracked and I plunged down, shattering into the darkness of oblivion. Deja vuuuuuuuuu!

Alas, I awoke shivering in fear that this dream foretold of a deeply disturbing turn for the worse. Dream.bible.com.au. Click here for… Wait. Open private tab. Click here for dream analysis.

Click.

The floating indicated that I was in a state of limbo, a significant decision on the horizon demanded my attention. The Wink from a nearby satellite suggested I had crush on someone I knew, possibly a Russian politician or a KGB spy. Alternatively, Putin was going to make a brief trip to Australia to discuss the conspiracy theory known as climate change with Tony Abbott. The absence of gravity was a clear sign that I was (a) a lunatic or (b) still searching for my soul mate, while the deflation of my suit reflected that I was disappointed by the relationships I kept around me. The lack of stars in the night sky alluded to the fact that my future wasn’t particularly bright at all. Thank Heavens I only paid $5.99!
A repetition of this dream cycle for more than a period of three weeks means… Click here for advice from Mary, professional dream Goddess, for only $10.99!

Click.

I’ve got two words for you: friend zone. Here are the sex six commandments to staying out of the friend zone.

1. Thou shalt be hawt
Platonic as in no practical action. Why no practical action, you ask? Because platonic, I respond. See, it’s a very circular concept.

2. Thou shall not lie on resume
It’s okay to stretch the truth a little bit but being a PT does not make you an Olympic athlete. Being a dentist does not make you a Doctor. Being a public servant does not mean you are a politician. Capisce?

3. Thou shalt take the leap of faith
Just ask. You can do it. Just do it.

4. Thou shalt put you in the freezer at least twice a week, if not more
Sarcasm/derision/superiority has a special time and place. Don’t forget birthdays. But don’t send flowers to work every day either.

5. Thou shalt not pretend to be the best man
The best man is the guy on the other side of groom. Why do you want to be him so bad? Why? Note: this applies to maid of honour too. She’s not getting married, is she?

6. Thou shalt not pedestal
The worst mistake of all. Observe: “You should try her lasagne. It’s amazing! Way too good. Way too good for me. I probably shouldn’t text anymore. I’m an idiot. I don’t deserve love. I’ll just die now because I can’t breathe with the knowledge that I failed!” Really, it’s ok to put some people on the pedestal. Just leave that group of people off your, uh, radar? Excel Spreadsheet? And really, between us, she’s not that great. Trust me. I dated her last week. 😉

Thanks Mary.