As reports of homelessness rise in the Canberra City district, a remarkable discovery of an Amazonian warrior tribe has raised questions in the Territory Government about the housing affordability crisis afflicting the capital.
The tribe, whose effective camouflaging techniques and arsenal of spears have kept would-be intruders at bay for what experts say has been 40,000 years, live in the treetops of Glebe Park. As their ancestral homeland, the long strip of parkland that extends through the suburbs of Braddon, O’Connor and Turner, was initially thought to have been a windbreak for the city. This discovery has baffled officials.
“We receive questions about the design and order of the park frequently. A lot of people complain about the gridlike formation of trees, but we’ve always taken it for granted, that it would stop the wind-tunnel effect from Black Mountain and Mount Ainslie from reaching the city”, a spokesperson for the ACT Government has fronted to media. “We had no idea there was an entire Amazonian tribe in there”.
The as of yet un-named tribe reportedly speaks a dialect of Spanish “not uncommon to the central regions of South America”, baffling anthropologists worldwide.
Prof. Thomas Huntingbridge, an ANU academic specialising on the spread of entirely navally deficient warrior tribes throughout the globe, has been contacted by WORONI for comment. We received this email from his offices:
The spread of Amazonian culture, and the invisibility it has existed with, is remarkable. When even the forest provides, we truly do live in the most liveable city in the world. But what academics such as me can really draw from this is that the options available for housing in the Canberra region are simply not affordable – especially for the hunter-gatherer, currenciless tribes that populate our shores. Government has a responsibility to all of the citizens within its borders, and they are failing the most vulnerable.
Thanks for finding this story, first time I’ve ever been contacted by a real newspaper
The tribe of 43 has been asked for comment on the difficulty of finding housing in the Canberran region, however WORONI is yet to receive a response. A redevelopment plan of Glebe Park is expected to be released in the coming days to dislocate this ancient and innocent tribal culture.