In a shocking move, ANU has done something on time, and announced who will replace Vice-Chancellor Brian Schmidt. The decision is controversial, but the ANU Council has decided to sell the University off to Goldman Sachs, on the grounds that “running this place is just so hard.”

Students told Woroni they were confused because “Goldman Sachs has no experience running a university” and “Isn’t that a bank?” However, Vice-Chancellor Schmidt said that the time is ripe for selling the University off to a large, multinational corporation because “we were getting tired of teaching,” and that students “…pay so much money, I mean you know you can watch some of these lectures on YouTube right?”

Other students argued that there is some logic to the decision, because AMP Capital already owns most of the accommodation on campus, so what difference would it make to have the Goldman Sachs logo at the beginning of lectures? As one student put it “At least now staff don’t have to pretend to like us.”

When Woroni probed deeper into the apparent dissatisfaction of Schmidt and lecturers he admitted “You students are really fucking annoying” adding “I won a Nobel Prize, and now I have to like, pretend to give a shit about you.”

Apparently, the rest of the ANU Council is in agreement with Schmidt. During a closed-door meeting one member allegedly said “God, I hope this causes another financial crisis.”

The decision was made after months of deliberation and at least three separate renovations of Julie Bishop’s office so that she could have a new Zoom background each time they met. Other contenders included getting “the guy from Breaking Bad in and showing us how to cook meth on industrial scales.” This proposal did get a planning group devoted to it, and FOI documents show the idea was to use chemistry students as chefs and business students as the dealers.

At one point, the popular choice was to just close doors and reportedly “fuck off” but then a lucrative offer came in from Lockheed Martin, and the Council decided to seek our prospective owners with a moral philosophy similar to their own. 

Apparently a group of students put a bid in to “move the University to the Metaverse” and “blockchain” all lectures. Fees, they proposed, could be paid either through Bitcoin or the new UberServitude delivery platform. Asked if this was not a more modern solution, a University spokesperson said “You literally sound like someone who has never had sex before.”

New Goldman Sachs policies however, do include, “selling everything we can, either legally or illegally” and creating more volunteer positions for students so that “we can exploit the fuck out of you.” A University spokesperson described it as, “business as usual.” However, Goldman Sachs has confirmed they will be more prudent with ANU money and not buy a bus stop for $17 million

It’s understood that this move will have no impact on class quality because “they’re shit anyway, I mean just watch a Ted Talk ” and that fees may actually decrease now. Goldman Sachs will assume operational control in exactly one year, on April 1st. 

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