Your Weekly Horoscope

Aries:
Surround yourself with positive people and good things will follow. Surround yourself with law students and you’ll never hear the end of it.

 

Taurus:
The planets have truly aligned for you this month! Expect a huge windfall of cash in the next few days (if you live at Burgmann).

 

Gemini:
Be bold; post that meme. Naysayers will tell you it’s not spicy, but what do they know? They still think Rick & Morty is funny.

 

Cancer:
Instead of going to one of the many departmental balls coming up, try spending the night alone with a six pack of Coronas. It’s essentially the same experience.

 

Leo:
Open your mind to new opportunities. Try listening to one of the Socialist Alternative activists – it might prove difficult, but at least you didn’t pretend to be on the phone again.

 

Virgo:
It may be tempting to add a picture to your Snapchat story of your study notes scattered beside a takeaway cup of coffee, but consider this: don’t.

 

Libra:
Sometimes the things we love can hurt us the most. Close the tab. That Vine compilation will still be there after finals week.

 

Scorpio:
Smell that? Love is in the air! Not for you, though; watch the new season of The Bachelor, Wednesday and Thursday nights at 7:30 on Win.

 

Sagittarius:
With the year drawing to a close, consider your options for the summer carefully. Sure, you could take that trip with your mates to Bali, but should you? Really?

 

Capricorn:
With Mercury in retrograde, be wary of ghosts. They can come in many forms, such as people who promise to contribute to group assignments and end up doing absolutely nothing.

 

Aquarius:
Despacito / Quiero respirar tu cuello despacito / Deja que te diga cosas al oído / Para que te acuerdes si no estás conmigo.

 

Pisces:
Your raging hangover isn’t an excuse to sleep in Chifley. Pass out in your tute instead – at least you’ll get participation marks for snoring.