WAR!

Gareth Evans, Chancellor of the Australian National University has declared war on the Australian Defence Force Academy. The call to arms was made following the events that transpired in celebration of the 50th Anniversary of the ANU boat club.

On 18th of October, ANU and ADFA found themselves at loggerheads on the stormy waters of Lake Burley Griffin. ANU’s triumphant celebration, involving hastily lit illegal fireworks and an impromptu flash-dance in honor of the dearly departed Meche, was the last straw for the ADFA warriors that have snatched defeat from the jaws of victory 27 times since 1971. Irate and sweaty, ADFA captured the ANU boat crews and are still holding them hostage in protest until the trophy is handed over.

This has been described as the final trigger of a chronological pattern of rivalry that previously came close to detonation without established fail-safes. ISO spokesperson, Jack Birtwhistle, has reflected upon the events of October 6, when ADFA brutally massacred innocent ANU sportsmen on the pitch in a hunger-games style death-match to the finish. “The day gave new meaning to the acronym ‘AFL’.”

Martial law has been declared on the ANU campus. Adrift in Union Court, wayward campaigners for election to Grand Poobah of the Magnificent Elite found themselves frog-marched to Copland computer labs with the expectation of rigid disciplining in the school of Warcraft. International relations students, driven to hysterics, have been spotted frantically vociferating upon the principles of us bellum iustum on Chifley meadow.

Woroni can reveal here first that Vice Chancellor, Ian Young, man of mystery, has been identified as ADFA’s man on the inside. Known for excellence in subterfuge and strategic planning, Woroni has unearthed documents that indicate VC Young has previously spent over a decade at the ADFA College at the University of New South Wales. The VC’s current whereabouts are still unknown.

Benjamin Niles, PARSA President, noted that postgrads have emerged from their long slumber in the caverns of Chifley basement and the untraceable research hubs near the lake, to splutter into action. So far, demonstrations of solidarity have involved the consumption of copious amounts of free alcohol in an undisclosed location while poring over blueprints of ADFA’s sewage canals.

Meanwhile, ANUSA President, Cam Wilson, AK, has been described as a “silent guardian, a watchful protector, a dark knight.” It is rumoured that Wilson has been amassing the fearless and unruly in underground midnight raves in corners of Canberran suburbs to fight the good fight.

Dissolution talks have concluded between ANU and ADFA in terms of the joint research being undertaken at the Aerophysics and Laser Diagnostics Research Laboratory, funded by the American Defence Force. Pernicious activists from the Environment Centre adopted the infamous insignia of Fossil Free when they snuck into the Lab after hours to free vast numbers of bunnies in a diverse range of sizes and breeds. ANU’s ducks, the traditional custodians of the campus, are facing a challenge to their monopoly on freedom to roam. It is unclear, as of yet, whether sovereignty will in fact be ceded.

The Chancellery states that this decision has been made following generous and uninhibited consultation with staff, students, ANU Sport, ANU Union, the presidents of the clubs and societies, fossil fuel companies, the scientologists that own Pancake Parlour, Tony Abbott’s media advisors and all the contestants of Miss Universe 2014.

Major General Orme of ADFA has been spied in camouflage skulking around ANU Gym, but these reports have been largely confused with sightings of the Skywhale impersonator.

Calls can be made to the emergency hotline:
1800-FREE-THE-BOAT-PEOPLE.