The Signs as Coffee Orders

Aries
Cold brew, triple extracted, served in a recycled cough medicine bottle from 1880 that contains trace amounts of cocaine. Hasn’t slept in 48 hours. Probably relocating to a remote hut in Iceland as we speak.

 

Taurus
The good ol’ flat white, tried and dependable. Everyone’s Mum friend, but we wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve been slipping Bailey’s into their morning brew. Does not understand memes but posts them anyway.

 

Gemini
Caramel latte, the coffee equivalent of that one girl you know who never really grew out of her horse phase. Has been at university for five years and is yet to declare a major. Unironically a fan of the CW teen drama Riverdale.

 

Cancer
The Unicorn Frappe from Starbucks. Loves to criticise America and its political climate as if things aren’t just as bad in Australia. Vegan, and tells literally everyone about it. Have they mentioned they went on a Contiki tour last summer?

 

Leo
Cappuccino with extra froth and extra chocolate powder. They might as well order a hot chocolate, but they want to look like an adult. They drink beer around friends for the same reason, even though it tastes like shit.

 

Virgo
affogato / they are / the next e.e. cummings / in this world of / rupi kaurs / and it’s / a real modern tragedy / that no one / understands the / unique perspective that / comes from wearing / birkenstocks and overalls.

 

Libra
Green tea in an ethically sourced Keep Cup that promotes worker’s rights in, uh, Ethiopia? Maybe Thailand? They’re not sure, but they’re sure they’re doing Something. What have you done for the environment lately? Huh?

 

Scorpio
Double shot espresso as bitter as your soul. Pair with a Bachelor of Philosophy for maximum Nietzsche aesthetic. Not that anyone has asked, but they know they were born in the wrong generation.

 

Sagittarius
Soy mocha, because they’re lactose intolerant and want everyone to know. Has been known to go on Wikipedia binges at 2am on a Sunday. Once fought the disembodied corporate entity of Ronald McDonald in a knife fight and won.

 

Capricorn
Iced latte. Either they’re an Instagram influencer, or they’re gay. If they’re a gay Instagram influencer, they subsist entirely on iced lattes delivered intravenously. Needs constant validation from strangers.

 

Aquarius
Long black and has opinions on what real coffee is. Milk and syrup make them break out in hives. Nobody invites them out for brunch because of this. It’s like having Taylor Swift as a friend.

 

Pisces
Piccolo, like an espresso but even more pedantic. Has to explain to the average barista what a piccolo actually is. Definitely owns a collection of vinyls they’ve never play. Compulsively mentions the fact that they vape in every conversation.