Chaos is an endless openness
of too many vowels in a row
which somehow spills out of our mouths
that makes sense
but doesn’t
It is a lost thought
Or a vacant heart
Or a heart full of so much noise you can’t hear anything
I want to be chaos
Because it is everything and nothing at the same time
It is a clamour, a loud and extended shriek
And it is silent
It is a fucking ocean
And it is fierce
And chaos does not apologise for what it is
For the paradox that inevitably follows
But I do
For doing everything and doing nothing
For being too much or not enough
For caring so much that it hurts –
But I am learning not to
She taught me that
The ocean did
She reminds me that the swirling mess of blue and black and grey and purple is beautiful
She is beautiful because of her chaos, not despite it
And my noise is
Loud and strong and present
It is and it is beautiful
I am beautiful. And terrifying