I love Star Wars, but I’m always getting confused about all the characters! Who is Luke and can he really walk in the sky? Is that Adam from HBO’s hit show Girls? Where’s Lena Dunham? Is Jar Jar Binks really dead? I have asked myself all these questions and more, which is why I’ve written this handy guide so that you never feel stupid again.
Mr Kyle “Ben” Ren
Kyle (read: Kylo) is an Emo Sad Boy ever since his Uncle Luke tried to kill him after finding out he listened exclusively to Fall Out Boy. Kyle wants to take after his Grand Papi, who was the ultimate big bad boy with a mask! Alas, he has invasive good guy thoughts and is crushing on a random girl (her name rhymes with bae) who does not come from a wealthy family. He gives off serious Mr Darcy vibes during their courtship. Also, we now know that Kyle does, in fact, have an eight-pack.
Rey Bae is the sweetest rebel scum I’ve ever seen. With a heart of gold, she spies a certain Sad Boy (his name rhymes with silo) and makes it her mission to make him over into the Rebellion’s most popular boy. Rey is very skilled with the Force and is better than everyone else at absolutely everything. She’s not related to the Skywalkers at all, which leaves the #Reylo door wide open. For those who haven’t spent a ridiculous amount of time on the wrong side of Tumblr this summer, ‘Reylo’ is the couple name of Rey and Kylo. I back it one hundred percent, and their relationship would complete the symmetry of Anakin and Padme perfectly. As George Lucas said, the romance in Star Wars ‘is like poetry, it rhymes’. At the same time, he also wanted Jar Jar Binks to be a Sith Lord and claimed that he was ‘the key to all of it’, so take from that what you will.
Number One Dad award goes to Chewie for driving Rey Bae to Jedi School, parking the Millennium Falcon round the back and waiting for her finish.
Not Your Princess
Leia ‘The Fucking Best’ Organa is the most badass person ever to grace Star Wars. She’s always been a winner, from drawing the long straw and being raised as a princess rather than a Loser Sand Dune Boy, to escaping death by flying through space. Unfortunately, she has to deal with Little Man Poe Dameron, who is always whipping out his manhood and measuring it with a ruler for everyone to see. She is the mama to Sad Boy Kyle, and my heart breaks for everything she’s lost. She is played by the amazing Carrie Fisher, a truly inspirational and incredible woman who was never afraid to be her true self – rest in peace.
Finn x Poe
Finn is our resident rebel convert, and Poe is his sexy to-be boyfriend. They wear each other’s clothes, finish each other’s sentences, and are just all-round into each other. Both believe that they are superior to everyone, especially women in positions of power. They are also both big sweeties and very good boys.
Cute little mechanic with a big heart and a huge amount of bravery to match. You may hear mixed feelings about her but anyone who talks shit needs to be slapped. She is a golden child who needs all the love in the world – I am deadly serious about this. She has a crush on Finn but alas he is promised to another.
Luke has gone from Young Sand Boy to Space Jedi Hero to Very Sad Boy Who Lives on an Island by Himself. Despite claiming that he never wants to be found, he leaves a trail of clues scattered across the galaxy so that his friends can spend an obscene amount of time and resources trying to find him. When they finally do, he pretends to be angry and just acts super extra. To be fair, he did get the ball rolling on Kylo and his mates killing a handful of Padawans and joining the First Order. You’d be sad and angry as well. There’s also a scene where Luke milks the boob of some alien, and I really don’t want to know who’s weird-ass niche fantasy that was.
Porgs and Ice Foxies
Great new content for Disney to make bulk merchandise.
That Purple Haired Lady
Just another incredible woman in power whose on-screen time is dominated by Poe ‘Small Penis’ Dameron challenging her intelligence and rank. She sacrifices herself so that the rebels can escape and continue rebelling. She and Leia bond over how silly and clueless men are.
This guy is just always angry and seems pretty stupid to me. He likes blowing things up and looking silly. Loved the opening scene where he was on Poe’s Prank Patrol!
Yoda returns in a blaze of glory (literally) as a Force Spirit. He is a Regular Jokester and teases Lukey about the Sacred Texts, and then burns everything to the ground.
So that’s it. I’d write about Snoke-y, but he was just a gross looking Bad Guy who wasn’t very smart at all. Get keen for Rogue Two: Han Solo Origins!
May the Force be With You, ya nerds.
Katie has a lot of feelings about Star Wars. She believes that Jar Jar Binks is the greatest comedic character ever accidentally written and is obstinate in the fact that he will return to the series. You’ll find her in the kid’s section of your local department store, trying to restrain herself from buying Kylo Ren merchandise. She’s a big nerd, probably avoid her.