A rose

The Bachelorette Episodes Three and Four: It Isn’t Love, It Isn’t Hate, and It’s Definitely Not Indifference

Goodness! It’s only week two of The Bachelorette, and it’s already making the ‘dog c*nt’ incident from the last season of The Bachelor look positively PG. 

But let’s start at the beginning, with the Wednesday episode coming fresh from the dramatic exit of two of the man-children competing for Angie’s heart. After a nice little ponder, which of course takes place on a beach, our Bachelorette decides that some guy named Jackson that I kind of remember is the best candidate for a solo helicopter date. It goes hilariously off-track with Angie’s motion sickness causing her to hurl in a very romantic way. Luckily they get back on track with a good old-fashioned chat about their feelings on the sofa. That’s always classic. Jackson gets a rose, and we all move on to the group date.

We meet most of the boys in an open field where they’re participating in a ‘dog show’. I say ‘most’, because someone we’ve never heard of before – Mitch? Mitch who? – has allegedly rolled his ankle and is sulking in the mansion. But no one cares about him, because a new man named Ryan saunters into the frame. Apparently he’s a figure from Angie’s past, and he’s ready to join the contestants. The men try to ‘bond’ with all the puppies Channel 10 has summoned from some dark corner of the studio. It’s the sexy Willy Wonka, otherwise known as Ciarran, who claims the single date. Spoiler: he’s great. 

Back at the mansion, Ryan is not warmly welcomed by the bros. Especially not Jaime. Jaime seems to have descended into a deep, dark pit of rage, and honestly Angie should look into getting a restraining order. When the cocktail party rolls around, Jaime is basically one giant throbbing vein. He swoops in for some alone time with Angie the moment she finishes talking to Ryan. This is a direct violation of the bro-code agreement struck up by the contestants, and they are unimpressed. Luckily, Jaime is saved from being crowned ‘Asshole of the Evening’ by the spontaneous arrival of Mitch (who?). For some reason, he thinks it’s appropriate to deliver an ultimatum to Angie:”‘Pick me at the end, or don’t give me a rose.” Whoops. No rose for you. Also, discount Zac Efron doesn’t get a rose either, so no regrets there.

Episode Two is when things start heating up. A group date is announced, and luckily for Jaime’s mental health, he’s invited. But before we embark, we meet Angie’s best friend and co-queen of Gogglebox, Yvie, who’s here to give her hot take on the boys so far. She is, of course, in a fabulous pink limo ready to throw Angie a surprise ‘hen’s party’. Of course, lacking any female participants (when is the bisexual Bachelorette going to be a thing?) the boys end up tagging along as the possé. The date turns out to be a live drawing class which means – you guessed it – we need a nude model. By nude, I do, of course, mean fully nude. And Ciarran is the first to volunteer, which makes Yvie VERY happy. 

Yvie runs off to have a chat with new boy in town, Ryan, and promptly falls in love with him. She then takes the magical unicorn that is Ciarran over for a little chat. He’s reclining on a bachelor set piece with nothing but a bunch of grapes for modesty. Amazingly, Yvie is able to keep her eyes on his face, and Ciarran looks more relaxed than he has all season. Yvie’s picks for the season are Ryan, Carlin and Ciarran. Jaime is still angry.

Switching over to our single date, it’s Timm’s turn for the spotlight, and their date is actually very relatable and chilled. They have a cute walk in the park, followed by some totally-not-sponsored Gelato Messina, and Timm seems pretty cool. He also pees at some point, but hey that’s all part of the relatability factor.

It’s now cocktail hour, and you can feel the man-tantrums brewing in the air. Jaime wants to sit down and have a ‘chat’ about how Yvie likes Ryan more than him, and doesn’t get why that’s weird. I’m serious, Ange. Get a restraining order. The next villain of the evening is Timm. He’s armed with two braids in his hair, and goes in for the kill by planting another smooch on Angie. What a greedy guy, with all his hair and the ‘m’s’ in his name and solo time…

Any-hoo, the rose ceremony draws to a close, and in a horrifying twist Jaime gets a rose…at least for another week. Two people, who I swear are just extras, get sent home, and we are left wondering what glorious tantrum will see Jaime evicted next week.